A Couple of Mugs

Is it Monday already? I'm sure if you checked out some useless scientific data, you'd find that Monday is the weekday with the highest amount of coffee consumption. However, if you're tired of drinking from a boring paper or Styrofoam cup, you oughta step it up with a stylish mug. You'll be looking cool, and at the same time not filling up a landfill, or littering on my lawn. If you're looking for an edge over your coffee drinking peers, you might consider one of these.

Let's start with the guy on the right.

Kidney Mug!

I'm familiar with the line of cartoon organs that were used by some medical company on a variety of products, and when I saw this mug on the shelf, I recognized it to be so. When I turned him over, sure enough, stamped on his foot was "KIDNEY." All of the cartoon organs were amusing, but unfortunately I can't seem to find any information about them at the moment. If anybody knows anything more about the organs, post a comment and let me know. The only other identified mug I was able to find was the stomach, and the person didn't have any more information about it. You can see what that looks like here. There's also a group shot of a few, but I can't say I'm medically inclined enough to know what they all are, although one is surely a liver. See it here.

Anyways, the fact that the medical company responsible somehow succeeded in transforming something like an internal organ into something cute enough to drink coffee out of is nothing short of miraculous. You'll no doubt be the talk around the water cooler when you emerge from your cubicle with one of these babies in hand.

Cost of Kidney Mug: $.10

Joe Camel Mug!

You know, I really miss Joe Camel. I'm not sure there's ever been a cartoon character as cool as Joe. He always wore sunglasses, and he was always smoking. The slogan isn't "Smooth Character" for nothing. I don't remember the names of the other Camel characters, but they were nearly as cool as Joe, dressed to the nines and puffing away.

Perhaps some of you are too young to remember Joe Camel, so here's the rundown. He was an extremely popular character used to advertise Camel cigarettes, but eventually some whiny Americans began questioning whether using a cartoon to sell cigarettes wasn't influencing children to smoke. Then late one night, some unidentified figures in windpants were seen entering Joe Camel's apartment building. The next morning he was found burned to death in his bed. The coroner concluded he'd fallen asleep smoking, but many felt that there were still questions unanswered, spawning a mass of conspiracy theories which to this day have not been silenced.

Where the merchandise comes in, such as my fantastic mug, is with Camel Cash. With more crackdowns on smoking these days, it's unlikely that there are still rewards to be won by more smoking, but back in the day, each pack of Camels would come with one Camel Cash note stuck to the back. The notes could then be collected and used to buy merchandise from their official catalog. Marlboro did much the same thing with Marlboro Miles. The prizes weren't just crap, either. They ranged from the smaller items like the mug I bought all the way up to camping equipment, even electronics. All I can say is I'm glad someone else did the smoking so that I could enjoy the mug. It's a good mug, an edgy mug. RIP Joe. Your coolness lives on. In cancer cells.

Cost of Joe Camel Mug: $.25

So yeah, mugs! Mugs are fun, and mugs are cool. Mugs are real neat. I think I like mugs. These mugs are also related, because smoking is bad for your kidneys.

Bite Some Bubbling Brains!

Quite a find today. It took a minute for me to fully absorb what I was looking at, but once it dawned on me my arms suddenly reached out instinctively and reeled it in. Something I haven't seen in years...

Doctor Dreadful Freaky Food Lab (and a few extras)!

Lightning not included.

Please tell me somebody else out there remembers Doctor Dreadful. Along with Creepy Crawlers, it was one of the major toys I had as a kid. Both of them were similarly themed as scary-ish do-it-yourself playsets. Creepy Crawlers were fun to make, but seeing the squishy insects coming out of the oven probably made kids think of gummy snacks. Eating Creepy Crawlers wasn't something that they recommended on the box, though, and that's where Doctor Dreadful came in.

There were multiple Doctor Dreadful playsets. The Freaky Food Lab, which is what you see taking up the left side of the picture above, was the main one, and there was also the Drink Lab, some of which you see on the right of the photo. There was also some sort of Ice Cream Lab, but I never had it and neither did anyone else I knew, so I never tried it. Come to think of it, I don't think any of my friends had Doctor Dreadful, period. I must've been the only one. For this, I am blessed.

There are a few snacks that you can make with the food lab. There's foamy brains, gummy spiders, brains, worms, and wolfman, as well as monster skin. And the best part of the one I bought today? The packets of powder are still with the set! The same goes for the drink lab. The packets were outdated in 2006, which isn't so long ago, and I'm optimistic about the results I'll get whenever I'm feeling brave enough to attempt to create some "Frozen Foamy Filth" or other such concoctions. Some of them are opened, but have been sealed in Ziploc bags, so they're still powdery, and not rock hard. What's the worst that could happen, other than slow painful death?

There were also two unopened refill packets, located in the center of the picture, which also contain recipe cards. The price tags indicating them as reduced Wal-Mart merchandise are still on them. So let's get this all straight: somebody bought the Doctor Dreadful Food Lab. At some point, they also must've bought the Drink Lab, although it may have come secondhand because there are some missing pieces, the biggest being the battery operated pump for the beaker and test tubes. The Drink Lab pieces also appear to be from the original run, that is, the run from when I was a kid, while the Food Lab seems a bit more modern with a bit of stylistic differences. Also, the Food Lab packets are all sealed minus one, while every single drink lab pack is open and in a single plastic bag.

THEN the same people, despite not using the packets they already had, bought two refills packs, and again did not use them. Thus, 5-10 years later, everything gets stuffed into one box and brought to St. Vinnie's, where it is purchased by the Secondhand Savior. Then again, there's a Christmas tag on the outside of the box reading "To Jillian From Santa." Could Santa also have made a pit stop at Wal-Mart on the way over, just to make sure dear Jillian had enough Bubbling Brains to last through puberty? Unfortunately, dear Jillian was a bit of a shit, only sampling a single packet of brain powder before forever rejecting the notion of such a toy's existence. She buried it deep in her closet with everything else she took for granted and forgot about it. Once she was off to college, her parents dug it out and brought it to Vinnie's, probably still pissed that the god damn kid begged for this piece of shit, tried it once and dropped it. They looked to the sky and prayed that Secondhand Jesus would resurrect Doctor Dreadful from the plastic scrapheap.

Anyways, someday soon I'll be giving ole Doc Dread a whirl, so if I don't return with any more posts, you'll know it killed me. Call some paramedics so I don't decompose into the carpet.

Cost of Doctor Dreadful Lab Extravaganza: $2.44

Thppppppppppppppppppppppppp!

Shrieks and Spiders

Are you within approximately five years of my age (23. Sad, I know.) AND someone who read as a child? If so, then you'll probably draw some connection to today's spotlight item. Hell, maybe you will anyways. It's a small world, after all.

What I have today is a

Goosebumps Shrieks and Spiders Game!

Shrieks. And spiders.

Being a lifelong horror fiend, the Goosebumps books by R.L. Stein were the perfect thing to read in the Second Grade. For a while, it seemed like everyone was reading them. It was hard not to, with the scary covers and intriguing names, such as "The Cuckoo Clock of Doom," "It Came From Beneath the Sink," "The Beast from the East," and, of course, "The Horror at Camp Jellyjam."

Many of the books were adapted into half hour bits for a Goosebumps TV show, which I believe played on Fox Kids. The show was pretty good, but I always thought "Are You Afraid of the Dark" was better. It was really a matter of preference, I suppose.

Reading the books today, they seem extremely short and on the predictable side, but that's to be expected. After all, they're kids books, and for kids, they're worthwhile, or at least they were in the 90's. The important thing is that kids were reading.

As far as the game goes, it looks like it could be fun. The back of the box makes it sound like a real gem:
"Do you see the MUMMY -- or the DUMMY? Stay calm. Flip. Is that the MONSTER -- or the HAMSTER? (Did you just feel a cold draft?) Flip again...
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek! It's CURLY the Skeleton!"
I bet you wish you had this game.

For some reason, this.

Upon opening the box, I was like, "Sweet! POGs!" Apparently, you use POGs for part of the game. I'm surprised they're all still with the game. I'm sure plenty of kids soon abandoned the rest of the game in favor of the POGs and began using them to gamble on the playground. In fact, I'm pretty sure I won a couple of these same POGs off of a kid back in the day, with my awesome slammer-jammer skills. If you don't know anything about POGs, then just pretend.

The game is basically all about flipping cards, grabbing POGs and plastic spiders, shouting "Goosebumps!" and not much else, which are pretty much all the necessary elements of greatness. I haven't actually read the rules, but from what I've gathered, that's the gist of it.

The game looks to have been passed around, but I'm not gonna make a hooker joke. Anyways, it's hard to know how much something costs when there are three different price tags from what are clearly three different businesses. I knew which one was the St. Vinnie's tag, but just to be sure, I covered up the less appealing prices with another item when I placed it on the checkout. Such tactics never hurt a smart consumer.

Cost of Goosebumps Shouting POG Spider Game: $.74

I'm feeling a bit hungry at the moment, so I'm gonna go out and munch some brain. That's all, folks.

Ah, gifts.

Well it's spring break for NMU students, and while many of my student peers are escaping to a tropical paradise, I've been making the best of my free time at home, playing Nintendo and having an adventure all my own. I said I'd post something this week, so here goes.

When I arrived at the home of my good friends Kara and Orion last Thursday, they informed me that they had a present for me, and then handed me this.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Pizza Power Board Game!

Wow, what a beauty. I mean, there is almost nothing wrong with this game. Everything is there, and the biggest damage is a little bend in part of the box. No biggie. My guess is that this game was used maybe a couple of times before being forgotten in a games closet for years until it was time to clean it out. Since this game is from '87, chances are it hasn't been played in twenty years.

 The game itself is okay. The objective is to use your good guy cards to defeat bad guy cards on the board, collect a certain number of each, and then have a final showdown with the Technodrome. Where the problem comes in is with this thing:

Turtle not included.

To do battle, you have to land the die in the correctly numbered square. To defeat the Technodrome, you need to land a 1, 2, and 3, and you have only four tries to do it. Needless to say, nobody defeated the Technodrome when we played. I got to the point of battling it a couple times, but to no avail. I was lucky if I got two numbers by the fourth flip. We gave up disappointed. However, we were playing on carpet, and when I tried the flipper on a hard wood floor, I was able to accomplish the task with relative ease. I guess it's all about where you try it.

When I was putting all of the pieces into the box after taking the pictures, I found something interesting buried in the bottom. It was an old birthday card.

Somebody gave this to their special nephew as a birthday present and the card was put back into the box and forgotten. The inside reads "... From takeoff to landing! Happy Birthday" and is signed, "Uncle Jack, Aunt Pat, Grandpa." Unfortunately there's no year on the card, and no name of who the card was given to. Judging by the semi-yellowed color of the card, it has indeed been hidden inside the box for some time. Perhaps some of these people are dead and gone by now. Even if that is the case, they bought someone a cool birthday present once, and for that, they'll be remembered. Since it was also a gift for me years later, I'll just pretend that I'm the nephew.

Cost of TMNT Board Game: A gift! Thanks, Kara and Orion!

That's about all I got for now. I gotta get back to my vacation from book learnin'.

The Inevitable Return of the Great White Dope

Yes, I'm back again, to prove once more that money really can buy happiness. Here are a few bits of sunshine to brighten up your day.

Talking Bart Simpson!

Anybody sensible around my age can testify to the fact that Bart Simpson is an American icon. He was undeniably a major influence in my life, teaching me that mouthing off to my parents was cool. To me, Bart is a symbol of everything that the youth of the 90's stood for: watching TV, skateboarding, and generally raising hell for every adult who was unfortunate enough to deal with us.

This particular Bart talks. At first I thought perhaps he had a button to squeeze inside, but no. Shaking Bart causes him to talk, and "shaking" is something of which Bart has an apparently broad definition. The slightest shift may set him off. In fact, he scared the cashier at Vinnie's when she went to pick him up and he said "Whoooaa!" She probably thought Bart was about to get all "Toy Story" on her ass.

Bart also says things like, "I didn't do it," "Aye, carumba!" and "Cool your jets, man." Bart is clearly meant to be used as a toy, as he is completely incapable of standing or sitting. He's still fun, though, so I won't have a cow, man.

Cost of Talking Bart Simpson: $.59

DBZ Manga!

I mentioned how much I used to love Dragonball Z in my last post, so this was a welcome find. I've never been big into Anime/Manga as a whole, but I've always found DBZ to my extreme liking. Extreme anime buffs may scoff at such a notion, but I can't say that I give a shit.

For one thing, the cover is an immediate eye catcher. You've got Piccolo looking as pissed off as ever, and a happy little Gohan waving in the background. Precious. What's more important is of course what's on the inside, and that's truly the most exciting feature of such a find. Goku vs. Vegeta. Maybe you've never watched the show and don't know what I'm talking about, so if that's the case, I'll just lay it out like this: the ultimate heroic figure versus the most bad-ass bad guy. We humans love such a storyline, and the more explosions, the better. In fact, this was my personal favorite "saga" of the series.

The two of them later become allies. Although a strained friendship is formed, Vegeta is constantly trying to one-up Goku, but is never successful. Vegeta, evil as he may be, has always and will always be my favorite DBZ character. Nothing against Goku, but I can identify with Vegeta's conflicted nature between good and evil, rather than Goku's unquestioning acceptance of the good. The deep characters are always more interesting.

Anyways, graphic novels are cool, so this should make for a good read if I can remember to keep reading from right to left.

Cost of DBZ Manga: $.86

Vrrrroooooooom!

Yes. That is a toy chainsaw. Toy chainsaws, real chainsaws, it doesn't matter. Holding one in your hands and feeling the power is what it's all about. The toy chainsaw may not have the power of a real chainsaw, but it still makes noise and a little chain goes around the blade, and that's half the fun anyways. It's enough for me.

I've always wanted a toy chainsaw, especially since I first watched the 1973 Texas Chainsaw Massacre, one of my favorite horror films. And by the way, fuck that stupid fuckin' remake. Okay, had to get that off my chest. Now, with a toy chainsaw, I can actually be Leatherface! I may not hang people on meat hooks or wear masks made of human skin, but I can still dance crazily with a chainsaw and make humping motions with it. What better use could there be for such a toy?

There's actually a handle broken off of my "new" toy chainsaw, but that's no biggie. It's lightweight, so that's all the more reason for one handed chainsaw action.

Hail to the king, baby.

Cost of Toy Chainsaw: $1.44

So ends another week. Next week is spring break, so I'll come up with something. Maybe I'll pull something out of my private collection. And I'm not talking about my penis.

Action Figure Stockpile

Today is an example of why it's necessary to make regular visits to St. Vinnie's. You never know what may have turned up in the past couple of days. If I decided to stay home and take a nap instead, I would have missed greatness. The lesson is therefore get your lazy ass out of bed. I did, and found an action figure stockpile in the process. Though there was an entire box full of them, I narrowed it down to the four which mattered most to me.

The Terminator!

No longer the Governator.

Arnold Schwarzenegger as the T-800, sent back in time by the adult John Connor to protect the young John Connor from the T-1000. Yes, I'm referring to Terminator 2, and if you didn't know that, you should stop reading right now and watch the first two Terminator movies. I'll wait.

Okay, now that we're all on the same page, this is an action figure released along with T2 in 1991 by Kenner. The figure is an apparent tie-in with the final scene from the film, where Arnie is getting his ass kicked by the T-1000. The figure displays what could be called "battle damage," although they embellished a bit in that department. For example, a "metal" rod comes out of Arnie's fist, and I sure don't remember him doing that in the movie. It makes him more like Wolverine. The cool part is that it's in the right position for you to use Arnie to flip off other action figures before beating the plastic shit out of them. Oh, and that whole arm detaches, but it's supposed to, for some reason.

I love the first two Terminator movies, so it was an easy pick out of the box. I believe this is the first action figure I have modeled in the likeness of Arnold Schwarzenegger, and if there's anybody in the real world who has enough manly clout to be an action figure, it's him. My only question is why they chose to put him in a maroon colored undershirt. Why not blue, or any colors other than maroon, pink, or purple? At least the bandolier and gunshot wounds partially make up for his wardrobe malfunction.

Cost of T-800 Figure: $.74

Cell from Dragonball Z!

In case you missed one of the defining cornerstones of my generation, here it is for you now. Dragonball Z was the absolute shit from the time I was in 5th grade until probably 8th grade. All of my friends watched it. One friend would even call me daily after the show was over so we could have a discussion about it. Yeah, it was kind of a big deal.

Dragonball Z, or DBZ for short, turned up in the American culture at large when it appeared on Toonami, the Cartoon Network block of bad ass shows for adolescent boys hungry for action packed cartoons. Getting into all the specific details and background of the show would take forever, so I'll just leave it at the fact that we got everything we wanted and more from DBZ. I mean, the show was 99% battle, and always kept us coming back for more.

Cell was a character who came towards the later part of the DBZ series. Like every major villain that appeared on the show, he was the strongest that the heroes had ever faced up to that point. Cell was some kind of genetically created organism, and to increase his power, he had to absorb a couple of powerful androids, who were actually only created to be absorbed by Cell. Yeah, it was kind of a weird plot line.

Cell himself was a big asshole, of course, and was eventually defeated. His green color always made me think of guacamole. That's about all I have to say about ol' Cell.

Cost of Cell: $.96

Mekaneck!

Finally, something as monumental as Masters of the Universe/He-Man is able to become a part of my blog. It's a close second to the Ninja Turtles for largest cool factor from childhood. Not to mention, Masters of the Universe came first, and had what was probably the most inventive action figure line to date. The names were very inventive, they were well crafted,  a good number the figures had an interesting special skill, and on top of it all they simply looked cool. They still do, which is why I buy them.

Masters of the Universe figures, made by Mattel, came before my time. Mekaneck here, for example, is from 1983, which makes him one of the earlier figures in the line. Luckily for me, I had older cousins who owned a good number of the figures and were nice enough to let me play with them. Thus, some of my earliest memories involve one of these figures in my tiny hand, and for me, that's an ideal place to begin my life's timeline. I've changed less since then than I probably realize.

This is not the first Mekanek action figure I've owned. In fact, I may now have more of him than anybody else. He must've been a popular figure in his time, hence the reason he keeps turning up at every thrift store I shop at. I can see why. He's got those cool silver glasses and a red pointed head, not to mention his neck extends when you turn him at the waste. Put him in a cool display box with a couple fancy weapons and you've got a sale on your hands, bucko. They just don't make action figures like this anymore. No wonder the kids are all such bastards.

Cost of Mekaneck: $.96

Another Battlestar Galactica Figure!

I am also this man's God

I thought that this figure had a familiar shape, and sure enough when I picked him up, I saw the same "1978 Univ. Studios" that I saw on Friday. I quickly grabbed him, and was that much closer to having a collection of Battlestar Galactica action figures from 1978.

For whatever reason, this guy, Commander Adama, was in a completely different place from his partner. While the first Battlestar Galactica figure was near the front of the store in a plastic bag and priced for over a dollar, this guy was in the back with the toys, unmarked and in a bin with other random toys. They had to come in together, so why the separation and vast difference in price? My only guess is because this guy is old, and no one will pay a dollar fifty for an action figure of an old man.

Much like the other Battlestar figure I found, this one originally came with a jacket, which can be viewed here.

Cost of Commander Adama: $.25

That does it for the Monday edition. Check back at the end of the week to see me lose a few more of the precious pillars on which my sanity rests.

Fried Day

Way too damn crowded in that store today. Squeezing down every aisle, being careful not to step on an old person, that's not my idea of a good shopping experience. Nevertheless, I'm a provider, and aim to provide. Here are the items collected February 18th, in this foul year of our Lord, Two-Thousand Eleven.

Boots Randolph Boot Glass!

 To be honest, I knew nothing about Boots Randolph when I made this purchase. All I knew was that he was on a glass shaped like a boot, and that was cool. If I'm on a glass shaped like a boot someday, I'll know I've made it.

Turns out, Boots Randolph has his own Wikipedia page, and if you're a fan of Benny Hill, you may know of him. His biggest hit, "Yackety Sax" from 1963, was Benny Hill's signature tune. Thank you, Wikipedia, for always shining a light unto life's biggest mysteries. You can listen to it here.

Unfortunately, Boots Randolph has passed on from this world, but has left his mark on a boot shaped glass, and will be remembered every time that boot gets tipped to the sky. Cheers, Boots Randolph.

Cost of Boots Randolph Boot: $.74

Holiday Inn Ashtray!

I bought this ashtray knowing at some point in history, it was lifted out of a hotel room. It's quite a rush buying stolen merchandise. I don't smoke cigarettes, and to think of it, there probably aren't any hotels left that you can still smoke in the rooms. Weird. The times, they are a-changin', and you needn't look further than this Holiday Inn Ashtray to realize the factuality of the statement. Maybe it wasn't stolen at all. Maybe they just got rid of all the ashtrays. If that's true, don't ruin it for me. In my mind, there's still a Holiday Inn trying to track down a missing ashtray.

Cost of Official Holiday Inn Ashtray: $.96

Currently Unidentified Action Figure!

I am this man's God.

This is where a keen eye comes in handy, friends. I took one look and grabbed him, recognizing him as 70's-looking action figure. I looked closely at his back, and sure enough, stamped right above his belt, "1978 Univ Studios." Universal Studios! I could tell that the guy was more than a throwaway, and bought him with the quickness.

Now I have a project on my hands, and am looking into the identity of the mystery man. Aha! He's Starbuck from Battlestar Galactica. Searching "1978 Universal Studios Action Figure" brought me to him with the first result. I knew he looked similar to the Star Wars figures from the same era, and it turns out that the Battlestar figures were made in an attempt to cash in on the success that Star Wars figures had. He originally came with a coat, and you can see what that looks like here.

I've never watched Battlestar Galactica, but that hardly matters when it comes to owning a Battlestar Galactica action figure. It's a well made figure, and the fact that it's over thirty years old hardly shows at all. I found a piece of action figure history that plenty of others passed over without a thought, and that means something to me. It takes a special skill to be a successful second hand shopper, and I think I'm getting the hang of it. Bring on the goods!

Cost of Lt. Starbuck Action Figure: $1.50

Well, that's about it for today. This is your pal Secondhand Jesus signing off for this week. I'll be back Monday, saving treasure from obscurity one piece at a time. Oh, and St. Vinnie's has another copy of Lord of the Dance. The swiiiiiiiiiiiine.

Consumption Insanity

It's Monday, and since I've established Monday as an official blogging day, here I am. I really don't have much of an introduction today, but I just remembered that it's Valentine's Day. Maybe I should've done something with that... No matter, let's cut to the chase, shall we?

Loch Ness Monster Book!

Oh, Nessie... You're so good to me.

I glimpsed this little paperback gem sticking out a bit from the kids book section and yanked it out with no hesitation. When I was a kid, I was completely convinced of the existence of the Loch Ness Monster, and it's all thanks to reading books like these. I was also a fan of Bigfoot, the Abominable Snowman, UFO's, ghosts, the Bermuda Triangle, and spontaneous combustion. Looking back, I think it's good for people to believe that there are still fragments of mystery and magic somewhere in the world that goes beyond human understanding. Although, admittedly, some of those people are nuts.

The book is filled from cover to cover with historical information, scientific interpretation and inconclusive photographs of what may be Nessie herself, or just plain old logs and gas bubbles. Regardless, it's a fun thing to suspend your disbelief for a while and immerse yourself in crazy legend that reaches far back into history. While the possibility of a giant monster living for such a long time without some asshole shooting it seems highly unlikely, the tales of the Loch Ness monster continue to intrigue and amaze both adults and children the world over.

Cost of Nessie Book: $.36

Big Ass Leonardo!

C'mere, Leonardo, and give me a hug.

Somebody knew I was coming. Somebody knew that I am powerless over Turtles merchandise and put this out especially for me. The price tag made it potentially the most expensive item I've covered in the blog, but I knew if I didn't buy it today I'd never see it again. They got me.

This guy is huuuuuuge! He's a foot tall, and quite bulky. I'm pretty sure Leo was more intended for display than play, as I'm not sure how a kid could lug him around all day. And what if the kid in question owned all four turtles? He'd need a wagon to haul them around in.

Despite his size, Leo looks like he's been played with a good deal. He's knicked and scuffed in places, and a bit dirty. No serious damage, though, and the surprising amount of posable parts are still tight. Unfortunately, Leo is missing both removable swords from the holder on his back. Despite his few shortcomings, Leonardo would still look great on a shelf, alone or with other TMNT memorabilia.

To be completely honest, Leonardo was always my least favorite turtle. He's Splinter's golden boy and always the virtuous leader, which puts him in stark contrast to my favorite turtle, Raphael (the red one, in case you're not up on things), who's the angry loner of the group. Personal preference aside, Leo is still one of the turtles, and I like his action figures.

The figure is from the year 2002, as indicated on the bottom of Leo's foot. Also on his feet is the name "Thad Riddle," with one name on each foot. A riddle, indeed. Who are you, Thad Riddle, and what have you done with Leonardo's swords?

Cost of One-Foot Leonardo: $3.44

That does it for the Monday post. I'll see you on the other side of the week!

Conquistador of the Useless

It's a moderately sunny cold day in Marquette, Michigan, and your old pal Secondhand Jesus has returned from another excursion into the wilderness of the St. Vincent jungle. I've found that going out and spending money on things I don't need helps to fill some deep down void in the center-most pit of my being. If I can continually find items to surround myself with, maybe the world will be okay. Here are a few more of those objects, submitted for your pleasure and mine. Mostly mine.

Oscar the Grouch Beanbag Cereal Prize!

Have you ever seen anything more adorable? This was part of what may have been the best cereal box prize line of all time: little bean bags of all twenty-four of the major players on Sesame Street. They had all the characters anybody would want, such as Bert & Ernie, The Count, Grover, Betty Lou, and even Twiddle Bug. They were released through select Kellogg's cereal brands back in the year 2000. Holy shit, 2000?! It's been over ten years already? Craziness. It seems like I was just collecting these little beanie bastards yesterday...

But seriously folks, these prizes were worth the hunt through dozens of boxes of Kellogg's, even if you ended up with doubles of certain ones or a stomach ache from overloading on sugary-ass cereal. Oscar the Grouch was undoubtedly the cutest of the bunch, which says something about just how adorable these little guys are. On the show, Oscar was an asshole who lived in garbage, not Spanky from the Little Rascals, and yet looking at his little furry brow makes me want to snuggle him against my face.

In the style of Beanie Babies, Oscar wears a tag on his hand featuring some "fun facts" about him. Oscar the Grouch's birthday is June First, he has an elephant named "Fluffy," and he treasures the things others throw away. Oh he does? Talk about a man after my own heart!

I know I never collected all twenty-four mini beans, but my family and I did get the ones that we really wanted, plus some extras. Oscar the Grouch was the one that we wanted the most, and eventually we got him. Now, I've found him again. He was actually still in the original plastic bag, from which I immediately removed him. I may have decreased some sort of value that he may have in the future, but looking into those pleading eyes, I couldn't resist. Oscar wanted air. He'd been stuck in a plastic bag for ten years.

Cost of Oscar the Grouch Mini Bean: $.25

Shot Glass with Measurements!

For alcoholics good with numbers.

Everyone loves shot glasses because everyone loves drinking, and if you don't drink, I'm sorry but I just don't understand you. Schwing!

Shot glasses are a convenient thing to have around. For one thing, they help you keep track of how much you're drinking. Okay, so maybe they don't do shit in that department, but at least you feel like you're limiting how much liquor you put into your mouth at one time. This glass I purchased today has a usefulness above and beyond a regular shot glass. That's right, it's clearly measured in (fluid) ounces, right there on the side. In case you're a person who likes to know exactly how much you've had to drink right down to the half ounce, this glass is for you!

All right, I'm full of it. The shot glass isn't made for responsible drinking. Quite the opposite. Instead, you just go for the 4 oz mark right away and see how many you can put down before you black out. In fact, that's probably why somebody got rid of the shot glass. It was kicking their ass.

Cost of Four Ounce Shot Glass: $.25

Ninja Turtle Cartoon Tape!

Cartoons! And the one that most defined my childhood: the mutha-fuckin' Turtles! Anyone who was a kid in the late 80's/early 90's, not to mention their poor, helpless parents, know all about Turtle-mania. The Turtles were on everything, and, thanks to the cartoon, that included my TV screen. Ah, the good ole days... "Rejoice, O Young Man, in thy youth."

Upon closer look of this tape, I noticed the "Burger King Kids Club" logo stamped on the upper left corner of the label. It's been so long since I've seen that logo, I'd nearly forgotten all about it. Anybody else remember the Burger King Kids Club and their line up of multi-racial/social standing kids? Also, there was Kid Vid, who I guess represented the growing cyborg minority.

A little research and sure enough, Burger King had a TMNT promotion in 1990. There were four tapes in all, and each cost $1.99 with a kids meal OR a value meal order. See? The turtles were so big, even the adults wanted them with their fast food. The one I got, in case you missed it in the picture, is titled "Invasion of the Turtle Snatchers," which is surely the coolest title of the four. The others are "April Foolish," "The Great Boldini," and "Sky Turtles." There's an image of what the box art looked like here. Unfortunately I didn't get that part, as some savage kid no doubt tore it to shreds (Get it? Shreds? As in, Shredder? Never mind) back in the early nineties. No matter. At least they remembered to rewind.

Cost of Burger King Turtles Tape: $1.44

I guess that about does it for now, kiddies. Come back next week for more awesome things you never would've paid for yourselves.

Treasure Hunting on a Thursday Morning

You'd be surprised how many people are shopping in St. Vinnie's at ten a.m. on a Thursday. For some, it's a social gathering, sitting along the wall and chatting to one another. For others, it's an opportunity to torture people, like the guy who kept whistling through his teeth and driving me fucking nuts. For most, including myself, it's a way to get the good stuff before some less deserving cretin comes along.

Today was a day of randomness as far as finds go. There were a good amount of things I picked up and put back down, that if I were a richer man might be mine now. However, a budget can be a good thing. It leaves less room for mediocrity. So without further ado, here are some random little finds I came across today.

Wizard of Oz Drinking Glass!

"Sorry Dorothy, but yo' bitch ass is too damn slow."

Everyone loves The Wizard of Oz. You'll love him even more when you take a nice cool drink out of this vintage drinking glass featuring none other than the Oz-man himself! Anytime I see a glass like this with some sort of painted image, I grab it and take a closer look to see who's on it. They made a lot of awesome glass sets back in the day, one of which this glass is no doubt a part.

When I picked the glass up off the shelf, I couldn't tell if it was really scuffed up or just scummy. I picked at a spot with my fingernail and saw that it was flaking off, which was good news (I washed my hands when I got home). I turned the glass over in my hands a few times and saw that there were no chips or cracks, so I thought "what the hell?" When I returned home I gave it a good scrubbing (being mindful of the paint on the outside) and what do you know? A shiny, new Wizard of Oz glass.

There is very little wrong with this glass, which I am quite pleased about. The images and text is close to flawless, and other than a little minor scuffing on the bottom lip, it's quite perfect. So nice, in fact, that I'd hate to actually use it for risk of breaking it or wearing it down. This is the kind of glass best suited for a shelf.

I'm curious about this glass so I checked on ebay to see if I could find out any more about it. I found one immediately here for $10, which the seller calls "rare" and "vintage." I like those words, but they also mention it as being associated with the film, when to me it appears it's more likely associated with the book, as it says "c. Baum" on it. Here's another one that says it's from the 60's. I'm finding a lot more from the series as well, which I will link in case you're interested. There's Dorothy, Glinda, Scarecrow, Tinman, and the Cowardly Lion. Some of these are priced somewhat high, but whether they sell is another story.

From reading one of the ebay listings, apparently these are from something called Swift's Peanut Butter, which supposedly gave "more bounce per ounce." You can interpret that however you like.

Cost of Wizard of Oz Drinking Glass: $1.25

On a less serious note, what else did I find? Oh yeah.

Tamagotchi (Connection)!

 

A key-chain that lives, dies, and takes a crap.

I know some of you remember these things. They were the big thing on the playground for a while, after POGs but before Pokemon Cards. It was something I looked down on for a while, too low-brow for my 4th grade intellectual tastes. That is, until I visited the Toys R' Us in Green Bay and discovered they made a Yoda one, which I promptly bought.

Tamagotchi/Digi-pets/about a million other names and incarnations were basically little "life" simulation games where you raise your pet by feeding it, playing games, and cleaning up after it takes a dump. If you forget to feed it, it will die and forever scar your childhood with an image of a tombstone where your little friend now lies cold and dead. Of course, this led to plenty of kids getting in trouble for trying to feed their pet during class, which bears something of a similarity to today's 4th grade trend: sexting.

What I hold here is no ordinary Tamagotchi. According to the label at the top, this is a Tamagotchi Connection. Where the connection part comes in is an infra-red sensor at the top of the egg shaped casing. According to Wikipedia, the connection had a few capabilities to be used along with a friend's Tamagotchi, enabling you to 1)Play games, 2)Give presents, and 3)Have tamababies. Tamababies? You mean it's possible to get Tamagotchi laid? While the Tamagotchi may be a prisoner trapped in the key-chains of the human race, we don't mind sticking a couple of them together for a quick romp, which truly shows the lengths of human tenderness. I guess that gives a whole new meaning to Tamagotchi "Connection."

What surprises me is the year stamped on the back: 2004, long after Tamagotchi had fallen out of favor, at least on my playground. There's also a sticker on the back, reading, "CAUTION: Battery harmful if swallowed." Really?

What does Tamagotchi mean? Again, as claimed by Wikipedia, "According to Bandai, the name is a portmanteau combining the Japanese word tamago, which means "egg", and the English word "watch" (as in timepiece)."

Cost of Tamagotchi Connection: Unmarked, Cheap.

And last, but certainly not least...

Mario Shaped Ball! Or, Ball Shaped Mario!

Pure awesomeness. I uncovered this in a bin with a bunch of other random toys, grabbing it instinctively before my brain had a chance to fully process the greatness of such a find. Nintendo memorabilia is something I'm not sure I'll ever own enough of. It comes down to the simple fact that Mario rules, and if you don't think so, you're probably some sort of asshole.

Like the glass, I cleaned Mario up when I got him home and was much more satisfied with the purchase afterward. I did a little touching up on the black parts and the red M with Sharpies to enhance the spectacle of my Mario ball. He's looking pretty decent.

Apparently this was a Happy Meal toy back in 2006. Where was I and how the hell did I miss this? Oh right, I was a senior in High School. It wasn't cool to embrace my childhood yet.

I guess the most likely purpose of a Mario ball would be to throw at the wall after getting killed by the same damn turtle for hours on end. Just look at his face. He's ready for it.

Cost of Mario ball: Unmarked, >$1

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I suppose that about wraps it up for this week. As always, comments are encouraged and appreciated! Have a good weekend! Myself, I'll be turning 23 tomorrow.

A Purchase of Pain

Entering St. Vinnie's today, I was in search of something that had that certain "pop." Going between classes, I felt a bit on the rushed side and didn't want to waste my precious time on some half-assed dullard of an item. What I needed was depravity, in material form.

As I walked the aisles scanning the shelves, I was careful not to collide with any senior citizens shopping on their discount day. It's an important day for them, a reminder that they still matter in this ever changing world. I'd hate to spoil that. Nevertheless, the old folks must have been buying up all the weirdness in the store, because I was struggling a bit. I saw a few potentials of which I made a mental note, but nothing that yelled "BUY ME NOW." What I was finding were slaps on the wrist, when what I needed was a punch in the face. Until...

Until, until, until. Something caught my eye, randomly and unexpectedly. A true abomination, if ever there was one. Something so vile, my future would probably be brighter if I'd just turned around and put it back, but I couldn't. It was simply the most ridiculous item in the store. It was nothing other than...

Lord of the Dance VHS Tape!

Good God.

To tell the truth, simply having this thing next to me as I write gives me a kind of revolting feeling, like I'm sitting up to my waste in cockroaches. It seems I got what I was asking for, and oh boy, does it not feel good.

To give you an idea of the pure goldeness of my latest purchase, listen to a bit of the description from the back of the case:

"Join us when time stood still and Erin was goddess of all... The stories had all been written and everyone knew their parts. But the ancient clans, sitting in their stone circles, heard mumblings and the spirits dream was troubled. A new dark power had emerged to challenge the Lord of the Dance."

Ooh, boy, they really left me with a cliffhanger on that one. I can't wait to pop this in and see the Lord of the Dance kick the living shit out of this so-called dark power using the ancient martial-art of Riverdance.

They really went all out with the packaging, I must say. A simple cardboard box would be unsuitable for such a timeless classic as Lord of the Dance. Only one of the big white plastic cases, usually reserved for Disney titles, would suffice. It makes me wonder how the hell much this "movie" cost on its release. I remember when VHS tapes were expensive as hell. I sure hope nobody paid full price for this. Then again, the cover sums it up pretty well, so anybody who went ahead and bought it got what they deserved as far as I'm concerned.

I remember seeing a TV offer for Lord of the Dance while watching cartoons years ago, which also answers my earlier question: the tape cost $19.99. The year on the back is 1996, placing me at about eight years of age. Even then I asked the question, "Who the hell would want that?" If only I could see myself now...

Keep in mind, I walked around the store with the tape in my hand for a good half hour, which is quite the awkward experience, let me tell you. When I finally got to the checkout I quickly placed my terrible find on the counter. Seeing it lying there made me die a little on the inside. I tried to cover my ass with a little jest. "Sure to be an instant classic," I said to the cashier. "Yeah, I've... heard of it," she replies. She didn't sense my sarcasm. Damn.

Since I don't have a VCR, I can't stick it in for a few moments to get the full experience, and even if I did, I'm not sure I could go through with it. This sort of "movie" requires a few friends and a whole lot of drinking and drugs. Even then, the 90 minute duration might prove too much to bear. We'll see what happens.

Cost of Lord of the Dance VHS Tape: $1.44

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Is Lord of the Dance really the shitstorm I've made it out to be, or have I ignorantly offended an entire category of dancers? Let me know with comments!

First Post, First Mission

Well, I've just returned from St. Vinnie's, the first invasion in the name of this blog project. The purpose of this blog is to document the weird/cool/logic-defying items that can only be found in places like St. Vincent de Paul: melting pots for the random items that have been discarded from personal collections for one reason or another. In collecting the odds & ends from various lives, I'll likely be faced with no choice but to speculate about the original owners of these "treasures" and question their motives in both possession and sale of the said items. That about sums it up, I suppose.

The mission began somewhat choppy. As I was backing out of my parking space at home, I got stuck in a big pile of shit, and by shit I mean really sloppy snow, the kind tires are useless against. However, with a few forward and reverse motions and the help of first gear, I was able to escape Lot 5 unscathed.

Another minor setback was when, zoning out, I drove right past St. Vincent's the first time and had to go around the block, a mistake that no doubt cost me a good buy. I'll have to learn to be more careful.

Upon entering the store, I know I was immediately sniffed out as fresh meat by the more experienced and aggressive of the St. Vinnie's customers. I have yet to earn my place among the ranks. I hadn't been in the store five minutes when some lady apparently planned to walk through me. I was between two shelves and couldn't move, so I didn't. She seemed dumbfounded when it appeared she would have to go down a different aisle. That's an important lesson in secondhand shopping: never back down or show fear to your enemy shoppers. Fuck you, lady.

And now, the findings!

DC Comics Pez Dispensers!

Feel that power.

Okay, so not that weird, but I figured I'd kick this blog off with something familiar. Pez Dispensers are awesome, flat out. They're something that I can always remember having, even in my earliest memories, because they're that cool. My first Pez Dispensers were Spider-Man and The Incredible Hulk, who were the best types of friends that a kid could possibly have: ones who let you eat candy out of their little plastic heads. I've added a lot to my collection since those days, from Charlie Brown to Darth Vader. Though I have many Pez Dispensers, I did not have a Wonder Woman Pez Dispenser. Now I do. Feels good.

Though maybe I don't take them as seriously as this guy.

The base on Wonder Woman says "Made in Slovenia." I have no idea where that is. Do they know who Wonder Woman is in Slovenia? I have to ask, because I think Ms. Woman here could easily be mistaken for a Communist Overlord by an ignorant party, what with her solid red body and red star headband. Just saying.

Of interest is the year 1979 stamped on the back of Wonder Woman's head. Whether this piece is actually from 1979 or just the same mold, it's cool to know that Wonder Woman has had Pez representation since then. A big step for women's lib, no doubt.

PSA: It is well advised to wash all Pez Dispensers purchased secondhand before loading them up with Pez. You never know whose mouth has been sucking the candy out.

Cost of Wonder Woman Pez Dispenser: $.96

On a Pez side note, I also found a Riddler Pez Dispenser nearby. While The Riddler is an excellent villian, his Pez Dispenser somehow has less of a stake in the grand scheme of things.

And thus gets a smaller picture.

Cost of Riddler Pez Dispenser: $.96 (same as W.W.)

Mystery CD!

I really have no idea what's on this CD, which is part of the reason it makes a perfect oddball find. I saw it lying there with other assorted media, in only a plain plastic sleeve, with no indication of the contents or even a price for that matter. I knew it must be mine. Looking at the disc, there are no names of legitimate recording companies to be found. Looking at the graffiti background, I can only take shots in the dark as to the true nature of this CD. I'm going to take the plunge and find out what this beast is all about. Be right back.

Bahh, disappointment. Merely a U2 album, "Achtung Baby." Not a ridiculously funny purchase nor a surprise gem. Probably not something I'll hang on to, either, as I've never been big on U2. Apparently somebody else felt the same way, not only destroying the case but leaving the CD to be lost in obscurity.  Maybe I'll give it a chance someday, but for now it's getting pushed aside. Next!

Cost of U2 CD (no case): Unmarked, <$1

Redneck License Plate!

I dare you to find a license plate more redneck than mine.

I took one look at this and smiled. It's the kind of license plate for people who like to give that "I'm a dick" impression to others. I don't know where to begin on this oddity. I guess I'll start with what the message could possibly be. I'm a bit confused as to what being a Confederate has to do with deer. I don't remember learning anything in school about the Battle of Chickamauga being fought over hunting rights. On that note, I have to question the "rebel flags" that I've seen around my home state of Michigan. As Michiganders, we're yanks, not rebs. Also, as yanks, we represent the winning side of the war. Is it wise to jump ship after the opposition has been long defeated?

In relation to the matter of slavery as a keypoint in historical Confederate representation, the stars-and-bars is also viewed as a symbol of racism, frequently known to be displayed during Klan rallies. Is there some sort of prejudicial undertone to this plate? I can't help but get that feeling while looking at it. Why did anybody own it in the first place? The condition is too nice to have ever been on the front of some rusty pickup truck. It probably just hung on the wall of a trailer until it was repossessed by the bank.

I'm trying to imagine what kind of person I would have to be in order to actually use this plate on a vehicle. "I'm racist and I like to huuuuunt," my truck would proudly display as I tossed back a beer and reloaded.

Seriously, though, what the fuck does it mean?

Anyways, I plan to give the plate to some vegetarian friends of mine. I'm sure they'll get a kick out of it.

Cost of Bizarre Redneck License Plate: $1.44

Mickey Rap Tape!

whaaa...?

Mickey UnRAPped. It's important to note that Disney really wanted to emphasize the word RAP in the title of the album, as you can see by the fact that it's in a different color from the rest of the word. Clearly, they are trying to inform us that this is a RAP album. With Mickey. Sound like a winner?

Look at Mickey on the cover. See how "hip" and "with it" Mickey Mouse is. Look at his skewed cap. Look at his sagging pants and underwear. Look at his gl-... Hold on a second, is Mickey throwing up some gang signs? Mickey looks like most white dudes I know.

The sad part of this image, to me, is the knowledge that in reality, a bunch of suits were sitting around a board meeting wondering how they could capitalize on the rap market with something as soft as Mickey. "What are kids up to these days? Hat backwards? Baggy pants? The little bastards will never know what hit 'em!"

Just observe the track listing. Ice Ice Mickey. Minnie Mouse in the House. Whoomp!(There It Went). Bow Wow to the Beat (Featuring Whoopi Goldberg). Ducks in the 'Hood. Little Red Rappinghood. Mickey Mouse Club Mix. Club Mix? Gonna jam this in the club? I can only imagine some jackass going into a club and handing this tape to the DJ. "Yo, dawg, this is some real shit!" Minutes later, that guy is dead.

Who's the target audience for a Mickey rap tape, anyway? "Sorry son, you're not old enough for that N.W.A. tape. Here's something a bit more appropriate to your age level." Any kid old enough to want to listen to rap is going to want to listen to the kind that speaks of blunts & bitches, not sad rip-offs of black culture done by popular cartoon characters. It'd be enough to get a guy beat up at school. You fail, Disney.

Also, I don't have a tape player, so I can't actually listen to the tape yet. Hopefully I'll track down a friend with a tape player willing to make the sacrifice of listening to Mickey UnRAPped. Perhaps in a future post I'll make a report on the results.

Cost of Mickey Rap Tape: $.10

Doug Funnie Keychain!

Ahh, Doug. "Doug" was one of the finest cartoons of my childhood, during the golden age of Nickelodeon. I remember many a beautiful summer day sitting inside watching Doug and his adventures with his dog Pork Chop. Behind his back he holds a bouquet of flowers, undoubtedly for the girl of his dreams, Patty Mayonnaise. There were plenty more interesting characters on the show as well, such as Doug's best friend Skeeter Valentine, bully Roger, Chalky the jock, rich girl Bebe, crazy neighbor Mr. Dink, and the mayor who says "vote for me" after everything. Yes, I just drew all that up from memory. I think I deserve a prize.

Doug had everything an early 90's cartoon should: a quirky style, heartwarming tales, and plenty of green and blue faced people. I don't know anybody who doesn't like Doug. It is therefore only natural that there should be a Doug keychain. Who wouldn't want that lovable square protecting them from the dangers of a lost set of keys? It'd be hard to lose any keys with Doug on them, mainly because Doug is four friggin' inches tall. That's a big keychain, which brings relevance to the phrase, "Is that Doug Funnie in your pants or are you just happy to see me?"

Doug has a button that doesn't do anything sticking out of his back, which means he probably said something at one point. Since he can't be opened by a screwdriver it's unlikely I'll ever find out what Doug's message was. He'll carry his secret to the grave.

Cost of Doug Keychain: Unmarked, <$1

Gooshy Creatures!

Experience the Goosh.

For some reason, I couldn't pass up these buggers after finding them on the shelf and giving them a squeeze. They're just so... gooshy. And since they're best described as "gooshy," they're also responsible for bringing a new word into existence for their purposes. Pretty significant, I'd say.

Cost of Gooshy Gator and Frog: $.59 each

And now, something I purchased purely for my own pleasure...

Original Rocksteady Action Figure!

From the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles action figure line, this Rocksteady figure is dated 1988. I already have Rocksteady. Hell, I might even have two of them, but none of that matters because Rocksteady is such a bad-ass action figure that I'll probably keep buying them at every opportunity purely on principle. I mean, come on, he's a freaking rhino in an army helmet and camo pants! Who wouldn't want that?

While grateful that I was able to make such a fine purchase, I have to question the buffoon who tossed out his Rocksteady figure. What the hell is wrong with you, kid? Don't you know coolness when you see it? People like you make the world a little bit dimmer every day. By the way, you got any more figures for sale?

Cost of Rocksteady Action Figure: Unmarked, <$2

...

Well I guess that about covers it for my first entry. I've been working on this thing for hours now, and if you look you can see my pictures gradually getting darker. I feel pretty accomplished and anxious to continue working in the future.

This post got rather long, so I'll probably be cutting back in upcoming posts, but hopefully amping up the weirdness to compensate. Leave me some comments and let me know what you liked, and also any suggestions you might have. Happy hunting!