The Inevitable Return of the Great White Dope

Yes, I'm back again, to prove once more that money really can buy happiness. Here are a few bits of sunshine to brighten up your day.

Talking Bart Simpson!

Anybody sensible around my age can testify to the fact that Bart Simpson is an American icon. He was undeniably a major influence in my life, teaching me that mouthing off to my parents was cool. To me, Bart is a symbol of everything that the youth of the 90's stood for: watching TV, skateboarding, and generally raising hell for every adult who was unfortunate enough to deal with us.

This particular Bart talks. At first I thought perhaps he had a button to squeeze inside, but no. Shaking Bart causes him to talk, and "shaking" is something of which Bart has an apparently broad definition. The slightest shift may set him off. In fact, he scared the cashier at Vinnie's when she went to pick him up and he said "Whoooaa!" She probably thought Bart was about to get all "Toy Story" on her ass.

Bart also says things like, "I didn't do it," "Aye, carumba!" and "Cool your jets, man." Bart is clearly meant to be used as a toy, as he is completely incapable of standing or sitting. He's still fun, though, so I won't have a cow, man.

Cost of Talking Bart Simpson: $.59

DBZ Manga!

I mentioned how much I used to love Dragonball Z in my last post, so this was a welcome find. I've never been big into Anime/Manga as a whole, but I've always found DBZ to my extreme liking. Extreme anime buffs may scoff at such a notion, but I can't say that I give a shit.

For one thing, the cover is an immediate eye catcher. You've got Piccolo looking as pissed off as ever, and a happy little Gohan waving in the background. Precious. What's more important is of course what's on the inside, and that's truly the most exciting feature of such a find. Goku vs. Vegeta. Maybe you've never watched the show and don't know what I'm talking about, so if that's the case, I'll just lay it out like this: the ultimate heroic figure versus the most bad-ass bad guy. We humans love such a storyline, and the more explosions, the better. In fact, this was my personal favorite "saga" of the series.

The two of them later become allies. Although a strained friendship is formed, Vegeta is constantly trying to one-up Goku, but is never successful. Vegeta, evil as he may be, has always and will always be my favorite DBZ character. Nothing against Goku, but I can identify with Vegeta's conflicted nature between good and evil, rather than Goku's unquestioning acceptance of the good. The deep characters are always more interesting.

Anyways, graphic novels are cool, so this should make for a good read if I can remember to keep reading from right to left.

Cost of DBZ Manga: $.86

Vrrrroooooooom!

Yes. That is a toy chainsaw. Toy chainsaws, real chainsaws, it doesn't matter. Holding one in your hands and feeling the power is what it's all about. The toy chainsaw may not have the power of a real chainsaw, but it still makes noise and a little chain goes around the blade, and that's half the fun anyways. It's enough for me.

I've always wanted a toy chainsaw, especially since I first watched the 1973 Texas Chainsaw Massacre, one of my favorite horror films. And by the way, fuck that stupid fuckin' remake. Okay, had to get that off my chest. Now, with a toy chainsaw, I can actually be Leatherface! I may not hang people on meat hooks or wear masks made of human skin, but I can still dance crazily with a chainsaw and make humping motions with it. What better use could there be for such a toy?

There's actually a handle broken off of my "new" toy chainsaw, but that's no biggie. It's lightweight, so that's all the more reason for one handed chainsaw action.

Hail to the king, baby.

Cost of Toy Chainsaw: $1.44

So ends another week. Next week is spring break, so I'll come up with something. Maybe I'll pull something out of my private collection. And I'm not talking about my penis.