Conquistador of the Useless

It's a moderately sunny cold day in Marquette, Michigan, and your old pal Secondhand Jesus has returned from another excursion into the wilderness of the St. Vincent jungle. I've found that going out and spending money on things I don't need helps to fill some deep down void in the center-most pit of my being. If I can continually find items to surround myself with, maybe the world will be okay. Here are a few more of those objects, submitted for your pleasure and mine. Mostly mine.

Oscar the Grouch Beanbag Cereal Prize!

Have you ever seen anything more adorable? This was part of what may have been the best cereal box prize line of all time: little bean bags of all twenty-four of the major players on Sesame Street. They had all the characters anybody would want, such as Bert & Ernie, The Count, Grover, Betty Lou, and even Twiddle Bug. They were released through select Kellogg's cereal brands back in the year 2000. Holy shit, 2000?! It's been over ten years already? Craziness. It seems like I was just collecting these little beanie bastards yesterday...

But seriously folks, these prizes were worth the hunt through dozens of boxes of Kellogg's, even if you ended up with doubles of certain ones or a stomach ache from overloading on sugary-ass cereal. Oscar the Grouch was undoubtedly the cutest of the bunch, which says something about just how adorable these little guys are. On the show, Oscar was an asshole who lived in garbage, not Spanky from the Little Rascals, and yet looking at his little furry brow makes me want to snuggle him against my face.

In the style of Beanie Babies, Oscar wears a tag on his hand featuring some "fun facts" about him. Oscar the Grouch's birthday is June First, he has an elephant named "Fluffy," and he treasures the things others throw away. Oh he does? Talk about a man after my own heart!

I know I never collected all twenty-four mini beans, but my family and I did get the ones that we really wanted, plus some extras. Oscar the Grouch was the one that we wanted the most, and eventually we got him. Now, I've found him again. He was actually still in the original plastic bag, from which I immediately removed him. I may have decreased some sort of value that he may have in the future, but looking into those pleading eyes, I couldn't resist. Oscar wanted air. He'd been stuck in a plastic bag for ten years.

Cost of Oscar the Grouch Mini Bean: $.25

Shot Glass with Measurements!

For alcoholics good with numbers.

Everyone loves shot glasses because everyone loves drinking, and if you don't drink, I'm sorry but I just don't understand you. Schwing!

Shot glasses are a convenient thing to have around. For one thing, they help you keep track of how much you're drinking. Okay, so maybe they don't do shit in that department, but at least you feel like you're limiting how much liquor you put into your mouth at one time. This glass I purchased today has a usefulness above and beyond a regular shot glass. That's right, it's clearly measured in (fluid) ounces, right there on the side. In case you're a person who likes to know exactly how much you've had to drink right down to the half ounce, this glass is for you!

All right, I'm full of it. The shot glass isn't made for responsible drinking. Quite the opposite. Instead, you just go for the 4 oz mark right away and see how many you can put down before you black out. In fact, that's probably why somebody got rid of the shot glass. It was kicking their ass.

Cost of Four Ounce Shot Glass: $.25

Ninja Turtle Cartoon Tape!

Cartoons! And the one that most defined my childhood: the mutha-fuckin' Turtles! Anyone who was a kid in the late 80's/early 90's, not to mention their poor, helpless parents, know all about Turtle-mania. The Turtles were on everything, and, thanks to the cartoon, that included my TV screen. Ah, the good ole days... "Rejoice, O Young Man, in thy youth."

Upon closer look of this tape, I noticed the "Burger King Kids Club" logo stamped on the upper left corner of the label. It's been so long since I've seen that logo, I'd nearly forgotten all about it. Anybody else remember the Burger King Kids Club and their line up of multi-racial/social standing kids? Also, there was Kid Vid, who I guess represented the growing cyborg minority.

A little research and sure enough, Burger King had a TMNT promotion in 1990. There were four tapes in all, and each cost $1.99 with a kids meal OR a value meal order. See? The turtles were so big, even the adults wanted them with their fast food. The one I got, in case you missed it in the picture, is titled "Invasion of the Turtle Snatchers," which is surely the coolest title of the four. The others are "April Foolish," "The Great Boldini," and "Sky Turtles." There's an image of what the box art looked like here. Unfortunately I didn't get that part, as some savage kid no doubt tore it to shreds (Get it? Shreds? As in, Shredder? Never mind) back in the early nineties. No matter. At least they remembered to rewind.

Cost of Burger King Turtles Tape: $1.44

I guess that about does it for now, kiddies. Come back next week for more awesome things you never would've paid for yourselves.