Favorites from the Road

Well it's been a great deal of months, so if there's anyone out there reading this, congratulations on becoming my biggest fan. Though I've really wanted to get a new post out sooner, I've been extremely busy with all of life's important distractions.

Above: Distractions

It's been a long road since June or July or whenever I last updated, but suffice it to say I'm settled down just a couple short blocks away from the St. Vincent de Paul thrift store of Marquette, my stomping grounds of olde. Anyone who's read this blog before knows I can't help but creep around a thrift store, amassing the gems. Money spent on cool junk you might not really need is always money well spent.

So while there's no way I'm emotionally capable of covering all the great merchandise I've picked up (best to ease back into this blog after abstaining for so long), I grabbed a few favorites to share with you, my biggest fan.

I tried to get a good mix so as not to cause my limited audience to check the site for an update on a whim, only to become immediately bored with what I'm throwing down. Cool, weird, dumb and silly may all be found within.

I'd like to start with some familiar territory.

ROKKON ACTION FIGURE ROCK GUY!

In a $2.50 grab bag with some wrestling guys and wooden blocks that appear to have been painted by mental patients were three figures hailing from the Masters of the Universe (MOTU) action figure line, aka He-Man, the most powerful man in the universe. Out of these three, the only one I didn't already own was Rokkon, the Stone Warrior.

Released in 1985, the line had already been going for a few years when Rokkon came out, and though I love the Masters, I can't help but admit they were grasping at straws when they created Rokkon, who was marketed to children based solely on his ability to turn into a rock.

Missing from my Rokkon is the gun accessory, which would plug into the hole in his chest and make him absolutely impenetrable while in "rock mode." Cool.

As for "rock mode," it gets even worse when you realize it looks less like a rock than it does Rokkon bending over, smelling his own farts.

You know it does.

NOVELIZATION OF HALLOWEEN III!
Halloween III: Season of the Witch, better known as "That stupid one without Michael Myers," is undoubtedly the most shat upon entry in the series. Considering Halloween: Resurrection featured Busta Rhymes beating the hell out of Michael Myers with a slew of WWE wrestling moves, that's an achievement.

If you don't know much about the Halloween series, you're a weenie, and you're probably wondering why a movie three parts into a series is missing its main attraction. *Spoilers* Basically, Halloween wasn't originally intended to be about Michael Myers, which is why he is pretty convincingly killed at the end of Halloween 2. The series was instead supposed to focus on the many terrors that can happen on Halloween. I think that was a cool idea, but people were so pissed at the lack of Michael Myers that to this day, nobody can even tell you what Halloween III is about. Any mention of it just raises complaint about his absence, and people start scratching their heads over why it was even made. The next film in the series was Halloween IV: The Return of Michael Myers, and he's been back ever since (He actually appears once in Halloween III, on a television screen).

Not that Halloween III is a good movie. It's pretty damn silly when it comes down to it. The movie is about how the Silver Shamrock Mask Company wants to kill all the little kiddies with masks implanted with computer chips containing a piece of Stonehenge. On every television throughout the film, you're basically bashed over the head with the Silver Shamrock commercials counting down the days to Halloween with this jingle: (Warning: Video may cause seizure)

And that's just the final version. When the movie starts, Halloween is still eight days away, which means EIGHT MORE DAYS TIL HALLOWEEN HALLOWEEN HALLOWEEN EIGHT MORE DAYS TIL HALLOWEEN SIL-VER SHAMROCK and so on and so forth. The reason Silver Shamrock is counting down is because on Halloween night, all the little kiddies are supposed to put on their Stonehenge-tainted maskies and watch the magic pumpkin on their television. Whatever the kids expect out of it, they would instead get their heads turned to poisonous bugs, spiders, snakes and other creeps. The nasty creatures would then kill anyone else in the vicinity, i.e. the parents. Since this is something of a witchy movie, being in the title and all, I guess the whole turning kids heads into bugs thing is supposed to be some kind of pagan sacrifice or something. Oh, and the Silver Shamrock company has androids working for it. Androids that look exactly like pee-pul.

But it's not terrible. And I'm really digging that pumpkin mask (they actually sold all the masks as a promo). Like many B-movies, there's at least some part of the movie that makes it watchable. For me, it's the part where a kid's head turns into bugs.

Now you can see why I'd want to own this in novel form. Bonus! Two stickers, ET and a scratch-and-sniff apple, stuck to the inside cover.

Thanks, slob.

SHE-RA GOLDEN BOOK!

Straight out of 1985 comes this very pink hardcover book, She-Ra, the Princess of Power, also known as the kind of thing thrift store dreams are made of.

Male or Female, only fools don't get down with She-Ra, He-Man's twin sister. Separated at birth, He-Man protects Eternia from Skeletor, while She-Ra protects Etheria from the Evil Horde. When He-Man started getting stale in the mid-eighties, She-Ra was created with her own show and toy line (though the Horde was sold with the MOTU line), breathing new life into the franchise.

Bad ass interpretation by *nebezial on deviantART

As far as the contents of this book are concerned, there seems to be a real lack in production value. The drawings are okay, though any half decent illustrator could replicate them quite easily. Here are two of my favorite spreads:

One picture looks like complete shit because the artist obviously didn't know how to draw two female bodies trapped in a net and piled on top of each other. Where did he learn to draw?

What the Hell is going on?

The writing is bad, in that "long story short" kind of way. Here's an example paragraph:

"Adora picked up the Sword of Protection. She could not stop looking at the bright glow. She didn't see the rebels climb the wall. They captured her by surprise, and she dropped the sword."

Not so Golden, but I don't care. In fact, its badness just adds to the overall charm. Apparently this is the first book in a set of four, so you know I'm watching for the other three.

...

And now, for the grand-daddy of all thrift store finds in recent history, I give to you...

TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES: THE MAKING OF THE COMING OUT OF THEIR SHELLS TOUR VHS!

*heeeeeeep* That's right, I hold in my hands this ridiculous and moderately rare ($8-$30 eBay asking prices, few listings) VHS tape from 1990, sometimes known as "Behind the Shells." This is a full blown 30 minute documockumentary following four guys dressed like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TMNT) during their live concert tour, "Coming Out of Their Shells." What they really do is jump around on stage and pretend to rock while everything plays from the background.

The thing that makes this movie ridonkulous is they treat the turtles like real people. Yeah, they really run with it. I can't give specifics without watching the damn thing again right now, but take my word for it. Now, that might have been okay had the turtles appearance been up to par with how they looked in the first movie.

.. but they look like shit. Their mouths rarely move, even during close-up interviews. And what's with that bondage gear? They look more ready for a leather dungeon than rock and roll. I'm not even going to get into the feet: two-towed, green and glorious in the original film, now just some cheap white sneaks. Obviously this was at the point when the turtle money tit had practically run dry, requiring squeezing to the point of bruises and swelling. Around this period was the only time in history that it would have been uncool to love TMNT.

The VHS features the turtles hit single "You Can Count On Us." Give this a listen and see if it's not in your head all day:

So if seeing a guy in a turtle suit try to pretend-bash on a drum with no discernible sense of rhythm is your cup of tea, you ought to see the turtles come out of their shells, on The Coming Out of Their Shells Tour.

Interesting side note: the whole tour was sponsored by Pizza Hut. Didn't know that? You would if you watched this tape. My favorite part is when some Pizza Hut bigwig is addressing a room full of kids about the success of his bullshit marketing campaign while the kids all wear the expression of "Derp... Where the turtles at?" Then the four clowns come out doing their cheap turtles impersonations to thunderous applause while the pizza exec sits back and no doubt thinks "I don't get it, but there's money here."

And for a real stinger, here's April O'Neil's bit:

I can't begin to imagine how much fun it was for the five- to ten-year-olds watching in the thousands to sit through that monstrosity. I mean, who paid to see April O'Neil?

The actual concert had its own VHS. If you have it, send it my way. In exchange, I'll tattoo your name inside the crack of my buttocks.

Oh, and Splinter looks like shit.

Ah, gifts.

Well it's spring break for NMU students, and while many of my student peers are escaping to a tropical paradise, I've been making the best of my free time at home, playing Nintendo and having an adventure all my own. I said I'd post something this week, so here goes.

When I arrived at the home of my good friends Kara and Orion last Thursday, they informed me that they had a present for me, and then handed me this.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Pizza Power Board Game!

Wow, what a beauty. I mean, there is almost nothing wrong with this game. Everything is there, and the biggest damage is a little bend in part of the box. No biggie. My guess is that this game was used maybe a couple of times before being forgotten in a games closet for years until it was time to clean it out. Since this game is from '87, chances are it hasn't been played in twenty years.

 The game itself is okay. The objective is to use your good guy cards to defeat bad guy cards on the board, collect a certain number of each, and then have a final showdown with the Technodrome. Where the problem comes in is with this thing:

Turtle not included.

To do battle, you have to land the die in the correctly numbered square. To defeat the Technodrome, you need to land a 1, 2, and 3, and you have only four tries to do it. Needless to say, nobody defeated the Technodrome when we played. I got to the point of battling it a couple times, but to no avail. I was lucky if I got two numbers by the fourth flip. We gave up disappointed. However, we were playing on carpet, and when I tried the flipper on a hard wood floor, I was able to accomplish the task with relative ease. I guess it's all about where you try it.

When I was putting all of the pieces into the box after taking the pictures, I found something interesting buried in the bottom. It was an old birthday card.

Somebody gave this to their special nephew as a birthday present and the card was put back into the box and forgotten. The inside reads "... From takeoff to landing! Happy Birthday" and is signed, "Uncle Jack, Aunt Pat, Grandpa." Unfortunately there's no year on the card, and no name of who the card was given to. Judging by the semi-yellowed color of the card, it has indeed been hidden inside the box for some time. Perhaps some of these people are dead and gone by now. Even if that is the case, they bought someone a cool birthday present once, and for that, they'll be remembered. Since it was also a gift for me years later, I'll just pretend that I'm the nephew.

Cost of TMNT Board Game: A gift! Thanks, Kara and Orion!

That's about all I got for now. I gotta get back to my vacation from book learnin'.

Consumption Insanity

It's Monday, and since I've established Monday as an official blogging day, here I am. I really don't have much of an introduction today, but I just remembered that it's Valentine's Day. Maybe I should've done something with that... No matter, let's cut to the chase, shall we?

Loch Ness Monster Book!

Oh, Nessie... You're so good to me.

I glimpsed this little paperback gem sticking out a bit from the kids book section and yanked it out with no hesitation. When I was a kid, I was completely convinced of the existence of the Loch Ness Monster, and it's all thanks to reading books like these. I was also a fan of Bigfoot, the Abominable Snowman, UFO's, ghosts, the Bermuda Triangle, and spontaneous combustion. Looking back, I think it's good for people to believe that there are still fragments of mystery and magic somewhere in the world that goes beyond human understanding. Although, admittedly, some of those people are nuts.

The book is filled from cover to cover with historical information, scientific interpretation and inconclusive photographs of what may be Nessie herself, or just plain old logs and gas bubbles. Regardless, it's a fun thing to suspend your disbelief for a while and immerse yourself in crazy legend that reaches far back into history. While the possibility of a giant monster living for such a long time without some asshole shooting it seems highly unlikely, the tales of the Loch Ness monster continue to intrigue and amaze both adults and children the world over.

Cost of Nessie Book: $.36

Big Ass Leonardo!

C'mere, Leonardo, and give me a hug.

Somebody knew I was coming. Somebody knew that I am powerless over Turtles merchandise and put this out especially for me. The price tag made it potentially the most expensive item I've covered in the blog, but I knew if I didn't buy it today I'd never see it again. They got me.

This guy is huuuuuuge! He's a foot tall, and quite bulky. I'm pretty sure Leo was more intended for display than play, as I'm not sure how a kid could lug him around all day. And what if the kid in question owned all four turtles? He'd need a wagon to haul them around in.

Despite his size, Leo looks like he's been played with a good deal. He's knicked and scuffed in places, and a bit dirty. No serious damage, though, and the surprising amount of posable parts are still tight. Unfortunately, Leo is missing both removable swords from the holder on his back. Despite his few shortcomings, Leonardo would still look great on a shelf, alone or with other TMNT memorabilia.

To be completely honest, Leonardo was always my least favorite turtle. He's Splinter's golden boy and always the virtuous leader, which puts him in stark contrast to my favorite turtle, Raphael (the red one, in case you're not up on things), who's the angry loner of the group. Personal preference aside, Leo is still one of the turtles, and I like his action figures.

The figure is from the year 2002, as indicated on the bottom of Leo's foot. Also on his feet is the name "Thad Riddle," with one name on each foot. A riddle, indeed. Who are you, Thad Riddle, and what have you done with Leonardo's swords?

Cost of One-Foot Leonardo: $3.44

That does it for the Monday post. I'll see you on the other side of the week!

Conquistador of the Useless

It's a moderately sunny cold day in Marquette, Michigan, and your old pal Secondhand Jesus has returned from another excursion into the wilderness of the St. Vincent jungle. I've found that going out and spending money on things I don't need helps to fill some deep down void in the center-most pit of my being. If I can continually find items to surround myself with, maybe the world will be okay. Here are a few more of those objects, submitted for your pleasure and mine. Mostly mine.

Oscar the Grouch Beanbag Cereal Prize!

Have you ever seen anything more adorable? This was part of what may have been the best cereal box prize line of all time: little bean bags of all twenty-four of the major players on Sesame Street. They had all the characters anybody would want, such as Bert & Ernie, The Count, Grover, Betty Lou, and even Twiddle Bug. They were released through select Kellogg's cereal brands back in the year 2000. Holy shit, 2000?! It's been over ten years already? Craziness. It seems like I was just collecting these little beanie bastards yesterday...

But seriously folks, these prizes were worth the hunt through dozens of boxes of Kellogg's, even if you ended up with doubles of certain ones or a stomach ache from overloading on sugary-ass cereal. Oscar the Grouch was undoubtedly the cutest of the bunch, which says something about just how adorable these little guys are. On the show, Oscar was an asshole who lived in garbage, not Spanky from the Little Rascals, and yet looking at his little furry brow makes me want to snuggle him against my face.

In the style of Beanie Babies, Oscar wears a tag on his hand featuring some "fun facts" about him. Oscar the Grouch's birthday is June First, he has an elephant named "Fluffy," and he treasures the things others throw away. Oh he does? Talk about a man after my own heart!

I know I never collected all twenty-four mini beans, but my family and I did get the ones that we really wanted, plus some extras. Oscar the Grouch was the one that we wanted the most, and eventually we got him. Now, I've found him again. He was actually still in the original plastic bag, from which I immediately removed him. I may have decreased some sort of value that he may have in the future, but looking into those pleading eyes, I couldn't resist. Oscar wanted air. He'd been stuck in a plastic bag for ten years.

Cost of Oscar the Grouch Mini Bean: $.25

Shot Glass with Measurements!

For alcoholics good with numbers.

Everyone loves shot glasses because everyone loves drinking, and if you don't drink, I'm sorry but I just don't understand you. Schwing!

Shot glasses are a convenient thing to have around. For one thing, they help you keep track of how much you're drinking. Okay, so maybe they don't do shit in that department, but at least you feel like you're limiting how much liquor you put into your mouth at one time. This glass I purchased today has a usefulness above and beyond a regular shot glass. That's right, it's clearly measured in (fluid) ounces, right there on the side. In case you're a person who likes to know exactly how much you've had to drink right down to the half ounce, this glass is for you!

All right, I'm full of it. The shot glass isn't made for responsible drinking. Quite the opposite. Instead, you just go for the 4 oz mark right away and see how many you can put down before you black out. In fact, that's probably why somebody got rid of the shot glass. It was kicking their ass.

Cost of Four Ounce Shot Glass: $.25

Ninja Turtle Cartoon Tape!

Cartoons! And the one that most defined my childhood: the mutha-fuckin' Turtles! Anyone who was a kid in the late 80's/early 90's, not to mention their poor, helpless parents, know all about Turtle-mania. The Turtles were on everything, and, thanks to the cartoon, that included my TV screen. Ah, the good ole days... "Rejoice, O Young Man, in thy youth."

Upon closer look of this tape, I noticed the "Burger King Kids Club" logo stamped on the upper left corner of the label. It's been so long since I've seen that logo, I'd nearly forgotten all about it. Anybody else remember the Burger King Kids Club and their line up of multi-racial/social standing kids? Also, there was Kid Vid, who I guess represented the growing cyborg minority.

A little research and sure enough, Burger King had a TMNT promotion in 1990. There were four tapes in all, and each cost $1.99 with a kids meal OR a value meal order. See? The turtles were so big, even the adults wanted them with their fast food. The one I got, in case you missed it in the picture, is titled "Invasion of the Turtle Snatchers," which is surely the coolest title of the four. The others are "April Foolish," "The Great Boldini," and "Sky Turtles." There's an image of what the box art looked like here. Unfortunately I didn't get that part, as some savage kid no doubt tore it to shreds (Get it? Shreds? As in, Shredder? Never mind) back in the early nineties. No matter. At least they remembered to rewind.

Cost of Burger King Turtles Tape: $1.44

I guess that about does it for now, kiddies. Come back next week for more awesome things you never would've paid for yourselves.

First Post, First Mission

Well, I've just returned from St. Vinnie's, the first invasion in the name of this blog project. The purpose of this blog is to document the weird/cool/logic-defying items that can only be found in places like St. Vincent de Paul: melting pots for the random items that have been discarded from personal collections for one reason or another. In collecting the odds & ends from various lives, I'll likely be faced with no choice but to speculate about the original owners of these "treasures" and question their motives in both possession and sale of the said items. That about sums it up, I suppose.

The mission began somewhat choppy. As I was backing out of my parking space at home, I got stuck in a big pile of shit, and by shit I mean really sloppy snow, the kind tires are useless against. However, with a few forward and reverse motions and the help of first gear, I was able to escape Lot 5 unscathed.

Another minor setback was when, zoning out, I drove right past St. Vincent's the first time and had to go around the block, a mistake that no doubt cost me a good buy. I'll have to learn to be more careful.

Upon entering the store, I know I was immediately sniffed out as fresh meat by the more experienced and aggressive of the St. Vinnie's customers. I have yet to earn my place among the ranks. I hadn't been in the store five minutes when some lady apparently planned to walk through me. I was between two shelves and couldn't move, so I didn't. She seemed dumbfounded when it appeared she would have to go down a different aisle. That's an important lesson in secondhand shopping: never back down or show fear to your enemy shoppers. Fuck you, lady.

And now, the findings!

DC Comics Pez Dispensers!

Feel that power.

Okay, so not that weird, but I figured I'd kick this blog off with something familiar. Pez Dispensers are awesome, flat out. They're something that I can always remember having, even in my earliest memories, because they're that cool. My first Pez Dispensers were Spider-Man and The Incredible Hulk, who were the best types of friends that a kid could possibly have: ones who let you eat candy out of their little plastic heads. I've added a lot to my collection since those days, from Charlie Brown to Darth Vader. Though I have many Pez Dispensers, I did not have a Wonder Woman Pez Dispenser. Now I do. Feels good.

Though maybe I don't take them as seriously as this guy.

The base on Wonder Woman says "Made in Slovenia." I have no idea where that is. Do they know who Wonder Woman is in Slovenia? I have to ask, because I think Ms. Woman here could easily be mistaken for a Communist Overlord by an ignorant party, what with her solid red body and red star headband. Just saying.

Of interest is the year 1979 stamped on the back of Wonder Woman's head. Whether this piece is actually from 1979 or just the same mold, it's cool to know that Wonder Woman has had Pez representation since then. A big step for women's lib, no doubt.

PSA: It is well advised to wash all Pez Dispensers purchased secondhand before loading them up with Pez. You never know whose mouth has been sucking the candy out.

Cost of Wonder Woman Pez Dispenser: $.96

On a Pez side note, I also found a Riddler Pez Dispenser nearby. While The Riddler is an excellent villian, his Pez Dispenser somehow has less of a stake in the grand scheme of things.

And thus gets a smaller picture.

Cost of Riddler Pez Dispenser: $.96 (same as W.W.)

Mystery CD!

I really have no idea what's on this CD, which is part of the reason it makes a perfect oddball find. I saw it lying there with other assorted media, in only a plain plastic sleeve, with no indication of the contents or even a price for that matter. I knew it must be mine. Looking at the disc, there are no names of legitimate recording companies to be found. Looking at the graffiti background, I can only take shots in the dark as to the true nature of this CD. I'm going to take the plunge and find out what this beast is all about. Be right back.

Bahh, disappointment. Merely a U2 album, "Achtung Baby." Not a ridiculously funny purchase nor a surprise gem. Probably not something I'll hang on to, either, as I've never been big on U2. Apparently somebody else felt the same way, not only destroying the case but leaving the CD to be lost in obscurity.  Maybe I'll give it a chance someday, but for now it's getting pushed aside. Next!

Cost of U2 CD (no case): Unmarked, <$1

Redneck License Plate!

I dare you to find a license plate more redneck than mine.

I took one look at this and smiled. It's the kind of license plate for people who like to give that "I'm a dick" impression to others. I don't know where to begin on this oddity. I guess I'll start with what the message could possibly be. I'm a bit confused as to what being a Confederate has to do with deer. I don't remember learning anything in school about the Battle of Chickamauga being fought over hunting rights. On that note, I have to question the "rebel flags" that I've seen around my home state of Michigan. As Michiganders, we're yanks, not rebs. Also, as yanks, we represent the winning side of the war. Is it wise to jump ship after the opposition has been long defeated?

In relation to the matter of slavery as a keypoint in historical Confederate representation, the stars-and-bars is also viewed as a symbol of racism, frequently known to be displayed during Klan rallies. Is there some sort of prejudicial undertone to this plate? I can't help but get that feeling while looking at it. Why did anybody own it in the first place? The condition is too nice to have ever been on the front of some rusty pickup truck. It probably just hung on the wall of a trailer until it was repossessed by the bank.

I'm trying to imagine what kind of person I would have to be in order to actually use this plate on a vehicle. "I'm racist and I like to huuuuunt," my truck would proudly display as I tossed back a beer and reloaded.

Seriously, though, what the fuck does it mean?

Anyways, I plan to give the plate to some vegetarian friends of mine. I'm sure they'll get a kick out of it.

Cost of Bizarre Redneck License Plate: $1.44

Mickey Rap Tape!

whaaa...?

Mickey UnRAPped. It's important to note that Disney really wanted to emphasize the word RAP in the title of the album, as you can see by the fact that it's in a different color from the rest of the word. Clearly, they are trying to inform us that this is a RAP album. With Mickey. Sound like a winner?

Look at Mickey on the cover. See how "hip" and "with it" Mickey Mouse is. Look at his skewed cap. Look at his sagging pants and underwear. Look at his gl-... Hold on a second, is Mickey throwing up some gang signs? Mickey looks like most white dudes I know.

The sad part of this image, to me, is the knowledge that in reality, a bunch of suits were sitting around a board meeting wondering how they could capitalize on the rap market with something as soft as Mickey. "What are kids up to these days? Hat backwards? Baggy pants? The little bastards will never know what hit 'em!"

Just observe the track listing. Ice Ice Mickey. Minnie Mouse in the House. Whoomp!(There It Went). Bow Wow to the Beat (Featuring Whoopi Goldberg). Ducks in the 'Hood. Little Red Rappinghood. Mickey Mouse Club Mix. Club Mix? Gonna jam this in the club? I can only imagine some jackass going into a club and handing this tape to the DJ. "Yo, dawg, this is some real shit!" Minutes later, that guy is dead.

Who's the target audience for a Mickey rap tape, anyway? "Sorry son, you're not old enough for that N.W.A. tape. Here's something a bit more appropriate to your age level." Any kid old enough to want to listen to rap is going to want to listen to the kind that speaks of blunts & bitches, not sad rip-offs of black culture done by popular cartoon characters. It'd be enough to get a guy beat up at school. You fail, Disney.

Also, I don't have a tape player, so I can't actually listen to the tape yet. Hopefully I'll track down a friend with a tape player willing to make the sacrifice of listening to Mickey UnRAPped. Perhaps in a future post I'll make a report on the results.

Cost of Mickey Rap Tape: $.10

Doug Funnie Keychain!

Ahh, Doug. "Doug" was one of the finest cartoons of my childhood, during the golden age of Nickelodeon. I remember many a beautiful summer day sitting inside watching Doug and his adventures with his dog Pork Chop. Behind his back he holds a bouquet of flowers, undoubtedly for the girl of his dreams, Patty Mayonnaise. There were plenty more interesting characters on the show as well, such as Doug's best friend Skeeter Valentine, bully Roger, Chalky the jock, rich girl Bebe, crazy neighbor Mr. Dink, and the mayor who says "vote for me" after everything. Yes, I just drew all that up from memory. I think I deserve a prize.

Doug had everything an early 90's cartoon should: a quirky style, heartwarming tales, and plenty of green and blue faced people. I don't know anybody who doesn't like Doug. It is therefore only natural that there should be a Doug keychain. Who wouldn't want that lovable square protecting them from the dangers of a lost set of keys? It'd be hard to lose any keys with Doug on them, mainly because Doug is four friggin' inches tall. That's a big keychain, which brings relevance to the phrase, "Is that Doug Funnie in your pants or are you just happy to see me?"

Doug has a button that doesn't do anything sticking out of his back, which means he probably said something at one point. Since he can't be opened by a screwdriver it's unlikely I'll ever find out what Doug's message was. He'll carry his secret to the grave.

Cost of Doug Keychain: Unmarked, <$1

Gooshy Creatures!

Experience the Goosh.

For some reason, I couldn't pass up these buggers after finding them on the shelf and giving them a squeeze. They're just so... gooshy. And since they're best described as "gooshy," they're also responsible for bringing a new word into existence for their purposes. Pretty significant, I'd say.

Cost of Gooshy Gator and Frog: $.59 each

And now, something I purchased purely for my own pleasure...

Original Rocksteady Action Figure!

From the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles action figure line, this Rocksteady figure is dated 1988. I already have Rocksteady. Hell, I might even have two of them, but none of that matters because Rocksteady is such a bad-ass action figure that I'll probably keep buying them at every opportunity purely on principle. I mean, come on, he's a freaking rhino in an army helmet and camo pants! Who wouldn't want that?

While grateful that I was able to make such a fine purchase, I have to question the buffoon who tossed out his Rocksteady figure. What the hell is wrong with you, kid? Don't you know coolness when you see it? People like you make the world a little bit dimmer every day. By the way, you got any more figures for sale?

Cost of Rocksteady Action Figure: Unmarked, <$2

...

Well I guess that about covers it for my first entry. I've been working on this thing for hours now, and if you look you can see my pictures gradually getting darker. I feel pretty accomplished and anxious to continue working in the future.

This post got rather long, so I'll probably be cutting back in upcoming posts, but hopefully amping up the weirdness to compensate. Leave me some comments and let me know what you liked, and also any suggestions you might have. Happy hunting!