Consumption Insanity

It's Monday, and since I've established Monday as an official blogging day, here I am. I really don't have much of an introduction today, but I just remembered that it's Valentine's Day. Maybe I should've done something with that... No matter, let's cut to the chase, shall we?

Loch Ness Monster Book!

Oh, Nessie... You're so good to me.

I glimpsed this little paperback gem sticking out a bit from the kids book section and yanked it out with no hesitation. When I was a kid, I was completely convinced of the existence of the Loch Ness Monster, and it's all thanks to reading books like these. I was also a fan of Bigfoot, the Abominable Snowman, UFO's, ghosts, the Bermuda Triangle, and spontaneous combustion. Looking back, I think it's good for people to believe that there are still fragments of mystery and magic somewhere in the world that goes beyond human understanding. Although, admittedly, some of those people are nuts.

The book is filled from cover to cover with historical information, scientific interpretation and inconclusive photographs of what may be Nessie herself, or just plain old logs and gas bubbles. Regardless, it's a fun thing to suspend your disbelief for a while and immerse yourself in crazy legend that reaches far back into history. While the possibility of a giant monster living for such a long time without some asshole shooting it seems highly unlikely, the tales of the Loch Ness monster continue to intrigue and amaze both adults and children the world over.

Cost of Nessie Book: $.36

Big Ass Leonardo!

C'mere, Leonardo, and give me a hug.

Somebody knew I was coming. Somebody knew that I am powerless over Turtles merchandise and put this out especially for me. The price tag made it potentially the most expensive item I've covered in the blog, but I knew if I didn't buy it today I'd never see it again. They got me.

This guy is huuuuuuge! He's a foot tall, and quite bulky. I'm pretty sure Leo was more intended for display than play, as I'm not sure how a kid could lug him around all day. And what if the kid in question owned all four turtles? He'd need a wagon to haul them around in.

Despite his size, Leo looks like he's been played with a good deal. He's knicked and scuffed in places, and a bit dirty. No serious damage, though, and the surprising amount of posable parts are still tight. Unfortunately, Leo is missing both removable swords from the holder on his back. Despite his few shortcomings, Leonardo would still look great on a shelf, alone or with other TMNT memorabilia.

To be completely honest, Leonardo was always my least favorite turtle. He's Splinter's golden boy and always the virtuous leader, which puts him in stark contrast to my favorite turtle, Raphael (the red one, in case you're not up on things), who's the angry loner of the group. Personal preference aside, Leo is still one of the turtles, and I like his action figures.

The figure is from the year 2002, as indicated on the bottom of Leo's foot. Also on his feet is the name "Thad Riddle," with one name on each foot. A riddle, indeed. Who are you, Thad Riddle, and what have you done with Leonardo's swords?

Cost of One-Foot Leonardo: $3.44

That does it for the Monday post. I'll see you on the other side of the week!

Janet

Something strange happened to me in St. Vinnie's today, so strange in fact that it completely eclipses the need to discuss the small items that I picked up. Instead, I'm going to tell you about Janet.

I was moving across the store to check out a shelving unit near the front and barely noticed an elderly woman standing near the Coke machine looking a bit awkward. My attention was on the items on the shelves, so I was surprised when I turned to walk away and she was moving towards me.

"Can you get me a couple bottles of pop?" she asked me nonchalantly, sticking a few dollar bills into my unsuspecting hand. She was tiny, probably three heads shorter than myself.

I stood there for a couple of seconds, my mind completely blown. It's not often old women ask grown men with shaggier-than-average hair carrying around toys for favors After being dazed for a few seconds, I figured it best to just go with it. "What kind of pop?"

"Hmm, let's see. I'll take a Sprite." She thought carefully. "And a regular Coke. Here, I'll give you fifty cents for the change." She reached into her purse, pulling out two quarters.

I sunk one into the machine, along with one of the dollar bills. "Sprite you said?"

"Yes."

I pushed the giant "Sprite" button on the machine, still a bit mystified. It was when the bottle popped out that Janet revealed her true intentions.

"Can you open it for me too please? Both of them."

"Sure," I said, but when I started to twist the cap I could see the fizz rising. "I'm going to let this sit a minute," I told her. "I don't want it to fizz all over."

"You'll have to do it very slowly," she told me authoritatively.

I set it down and purchased the Coke. The Sprite opened fine, but sure enough the Coke threatened to erupt all over the place. I opened it slowly, like the woman requested. I realized she had given me an extra dollar. A tip! I stuck it into my pocket.

"Thank you so much," she told me.

"Oh." I laughed. "It was no problem."

"I'm Janet," she said, smiling and looking up at me like a flirty school girl.

I laughed a bit nervously. "Nice to meet you. I'm Josey."

"Josey," she repeated. "Nice to meet you." She then sauntered off into the back room. I decided it was time to go, paid for my couple items and left.

Basically, Janet really just caught me off guard. I don't think she was crazy or anything like that, but she needed a hand and for some reason picked me as a prime candidate. Being a grocery store veteran, I'm used to filling odd requests for the elderly and wasn't too blown away. Regardless, it was an interesting experience within the walls of St. Vinnie's that I found proved more interesting than any material items I might have found. I'm sure there are some philosophical implications to this event, so I'll have to dwell on it awhile.

First Post, First Mission

Well, I've just returned from St. Vinnie's, the first invasion in the name of this blog project. The purpose of this blog is to document the weird/cool/logic-defying items that can only be found in places like St. Vincent de Paul: melting pots for the random items that have been discarded from personal collections for one reason or another. In collecting the odds & ends from various lives, I'll likely be faced with no choice but to speculate about the original owners of these "treasures" and question their motives in both possession and sale of the said items. That about sums it up, I suppose.

The mission began somewhat choppy. As I was backing out of my parking space at home, I got stuck in a big pile of shit, and by shit I mean really sloppy snow, the kind tires are useless against. However, with a few forward and reverse motions and the help of first gear, I was able to escape Lot 5 unscathed.

Another minor setback was when, zoning out, I drove right past St. Vincent's the first time and had to go around the block, a mistake that no doubt cost me a good buy. I'll have to learn to be more careful.

Upon entering the store, I know I was immediately sniffed out as fresh meat by the more experienced and aggressive of the St. Vinnie's customers. I have yet to earn my place among the ranks. I hadn't been in the store five minutes when some lady apparently planned to walk through me. I was between two shelves and couldn't move, so I didn't. She seemed dumbfounded when it appeared she would have to go down a different aisle. That's an important lesson in secondhand shopping: never back down or show fear to your enemy shoppers. Fuck you, lady.

And now, the findings!

DC Comics Pez Dispensers!

Feel that power.

Okay, so not that weird, but I figured I'd kick this blog off with something familiar. Pez Dispensers are awesome, flat out. They're something that I can always remember having, even in my earliest memories, because they're that cool. My first Pez Dispensers were Spider-Man and The Incredible Hulk, who were the best types of friends that a kid could possibly have: ones who let you eat candy out of their little plastic heads. I've added a lot to my collection since those days, from Charlie Brown to Darth Vader. Though I have many Pez Dispensers, I did not have a Wonder Woman Pez Dispenser. Now I do. Feels good.

Though maybe I don't take them as seriously as this guy.

The base on Wonder Woman says "Made in Slovenia." I have no idea where that is. Do they know who Wonder Woman is in Slovenia? I have to ask, because I think Ms. Woman here could easily be mistaken for a Communist Overlord by an ignorant party, what with her solid red body and red star headband. Just saying.

Of interest is the year 1979 stamped on the back of Wonder Woman's head. Whether this piece is actually from 1979 or just the same mold, it's cool to know that Wonder Woman has had Pez representation since then. A big step for women's lib, no doubt.

PSA: It is well advised to wash all Pez Dispensers purchased secondhand before loading them up with Pez. You never know whose mouth has been sucking the candy out.

Cost of Wonder Woman Pez Dispenser: $.96

On a Pez side note, I also found a Riddler Pez Dispenser nearby. While The Riddler is an excellent villian, his Pez Dispenser somehow has less of a stake in the grand scheme of things.

And thus gets a smaller picture.

Cost of Riddler Pez Dispenser: $.96 (same as W.W.)

Mystery CD!

I really have no idea what's on this CD, which is part of the reason it makes a perfect oddball find. I saw it lying there with other assorted media, in only a plain plastic sleeve, with no indication of the contents or even a price for that matter. I knew it must be mine. Looking at the disc, there are no names of legitimate recording companies to be found. Looking at the graffiti background, I can only take shots in the dark as to the true nature of this CD. I'm going to take the plunge and find out what this beast is all about. Be right back.

Bahh, disappointment. Merely a U2 album, "Achtung Baby." Not a ridiculously funny purchase nor a surprise gem. Probably not something I'll hang on to, either, as I've never been big on U2. Apparently somebody else felt the same way, not only destroying the case but leaving the CD to be lost in obscurity.  Maybe I'll give it a chance someday, but for now it's getting pushed aside. Next!

Cost of U2 CD (no case): Unmarked, <$1

Redneck License Plate!

I dare you to find a license plate more redneck than mine.

I took one look at this and smiled. It's the kind of license plate for people who like to give that "I'm a dick" impression to others. I don't know where to begin on this oddity. I guess I'll start with what the message could possibly be. I'm a bit confused as to what being a Confederate has to do with deer. I don't remember learning anything in school about the Battle of Chickamauga being fought over hunting rights. On that note, I have to question the "rebel flags" that I've seen around my home state of Michigan. As Michiganders, we're yanks, not rebs. Also, as yanks, we represent the winning side of the war. Is it wise to jump ship after the opposition has been long defeated?

In relation to the matter of slavery as a keypoint in historical Confederate representation, the stars-and-bars is also viewed as a symbol of racism, frequently known to be displayed during Klan rallies. Is there some sort of prejudicial undertone to this plate? I can't help but get that feeling while looking at it. Why did anybody own it in the first place? The condition is too nice to have ever been on the front of some rusty pickup truck. It probably just hung on the wall of a trailer until it was repossessed by the bank.

I'm trying to imagine what kind of person I would have to be in order to actually use this plate on a vehicle. "I'm racist and I like to huuuuunt," my truck would proudly display as I tossed back a beer and reloaded.

Seriously, though, what the fuck does it mean?

Anyways, I plan to give the plate to some vegetarian friends of mine. I'm sure they'll get a kick out of it.

Cost of Bizarre Redneck License Plate: $1.44

Mickey Rap Tape!

whaaa...?

Mickey UnRAPped. It's important to note that Disney really wanted to emphasize the word RAP in the title of the album, as you can see by the fact that it's in a different color from the rest of the word. Clearly, they are trying to inform us that this is a RAP album. With Mickey. Sound like a winner?

Look at Mickey on the cover. See how "hip" and "with it" Mickey Mouse is. Look at his skewed cap. Look at his sagging pants and underwear. Look at his gl-... Hold on a second, is Mickey throwing up some gang signs? Mickey looks like most white dudes I know.

The sad part of this image, to me, is the knowledge that in reality, a bunch of suits were sitting around a board meeting wondering how they could capitalize on the rap market with something as soft as Mickey. "What are kids up to these days? Hat backwards? Baggy pants? The little bastards will never know what hit 'em!"

Just observe the track listing. Ice Ice Mickey. Minnie Mouse in the House. Whoomp!(There It Went). Bow Wow to the Beat (Featuring Whoopi Goldberg). Ducks in the 'Hood. Little Red Rappinghood. Mickey Mouse Club Mix. Club Mix? Gonna jam this in the club? I can only imagine some jackass going into a club and handing this tape to the DJ. "Yo, dawg, this is some real shit!" Minutes later, that guy is dead.

Who's the target audience for a Mickey rap tape, anyway? "Sorry son, you're not old enough for that N.W.A. tape. Here's something a bit more appropriate to your age level." Any kid old enough to want to listen to rap is going to want to listen to the kind that speaks of blunts & bitches, not sad rip-offs of black culture done by popular cartoon characters. It'd be enough to get a guy beat up at school. You fail, Disney.

Also, I don't have a tape player, so I can't actually listen to the tape yet. Hopefully I'll track down a friend with a tape player willing to make the sacrifice of listening to Mickey UnRAPped. Perhaps in a future post I'll make a report on the results.

Cost of Mickey Rap Tape: $.10

Doug Funnie Keychain!

Ahh, Doug. "Doug" was one of the finest cartoons of my childhood, during the golden age of Nickelodeon. I remember many a beautiful summer day sitting inside watching Doug and his adventures with his dog Pork Chop. Behind his back he holds a bouquet of flowers, undoubtedly for the girl of his dreams, Patty Mayonnaise. There were plenty more interesting characters on the show as well, such as Doug's best friend Skeeter Valentine, bully Roger, Chalky the jock, rich girl Bebe, crazy neighbor Mr. Dink, and the mayor who says "vote for me" after everything. Yes, I just drew all that up from memory. I think I deserve a prize.

Doug had everything an early 90's cartoon should: a quirky style, heartwarming tales, and plenty of green and blue faced people. I don't know anybody who doesn't like Doug. It is therefore only natural that there should be a Doug keychain. Who wouldn't want that lovable square protecting them from the dangers of a lost set of keys? It'd be hard to lose any keys with Doug on them, mainly because Doug is four friggin' inches tall. That's a big keychain, which brings relevance to the phrase, "Is that Doug Funnie in your pants or are you just happy to see me?"

Doug has a button that doesn't do anything sticking out of his back, which means he probably said something at one point. Since he can't be opened by a screwdriver it's unlikely I'll ever find out what Doug's message was. He'll carry his secret to the grave.

Cost of Doug Keychain: Unmarked, <$1

Gooshy Creatures!

Experience the Goosh.

For some reason, I couldn't pass up these buggers after finding them on the shelf and giving them a squeeze. They're just so... gooshy. And since they're best described as "gooshy," they're also responsible for bringing a new word into existence for their purposes. Pretty significant, I'd say.

Cost of Gooshy Gator and Frog: $.59 each

And now, something I purchased purely for my own pleasure...

Original Rocksteady Action Figure!

From the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles action figure line, this Rocksteady figure is dated 1988. I already have Rocksteady. Hell, I might even have two of them, but none of that matters because Rocksteady is such a bad-ass action figure that I'll probably keep buying them at every opportunity purely on principle. I mean, come on, he's a freaking rhino in an army helmet and camo pants! Who wouldn't want that?

While grateful that I was able to make such a fine purchase, I have to question the buffoon who tossed out his Rocksteady figure. What the hell is wrong with you, kid? Don't you know coolness when you see it? People like you make the world a little bit dimmer every day. By the way, you got any more figures for sale?

Cost of Rocksteady Action Figure: Unmarked, <$2

...

Well I guess that about covers it for my first entry. I've been working on this thing for hours now, and if you look you can see my pictures gradually getting darker. I feel pretty accomplished and anxious to continue working in the future.

This post got rather long, so I'll probably be cutting back in upcoming posts, but hopefully amping up the weirdness to compensate. Leave me some comments and let me know what you liked, and also any suggestions you might have. Happy hunting!