As I walked the aisles scanning the shelves, I was careful not to collide with any senior citizens shopping on their discount day. It's an important day for them, a reminder that they still matter in this ever changing world. I'd hate to spoil that. Nevertheless, the old folks must have been buying up all the weirdness in the store, because I was struggling a bit. I saw a few potentials of which I made a mental note, but nothing that yelled "BUY ME NOW." What I was finding were slaps on the wrist, when what I needed was a punch in the face. Until...
Until, until, until. Something caught my eye, randomly and unexpectedly. A true abomination, if ever there was one. Something so vile, my future would probably be brighter if I'd just turned around and put it back, but I couldn't. It was simply the most ridiculous item in the store. It was nothing other than...
Lord of the Dance VHS Tape!
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| Good God. |
To give you an idea of the pure goldeness of my latest purchase, listen to a bit of the description from the back of the case:
"Join us when time stood still and Erin was goddess of all... The stories had all been written and everyone knew their parts. But the ancient clans, sitting in their stone circles, heard mumblings and the spirits dream was troubled. A new dark power had emerged to challenge the Lord of the Dance."
Ooh, boy, they really left me with a cliffhanger on that one. I can't wait to pop this in and see the Lord of the Dance kick the living shit out of this so-called dark power using the ancient martial-art of Riverdance.
They really went all out with the packaging, I must say. A simple cardboard box would be unsuitable for such a timeless classic as Lord of the Dance. Only one of the big white plastic cases, usually reserved for Disney titles, would suffice. It makes me wonder how the hell much this "movie" cost on its release. I remember when VHS tapes were expensive as hell. I sure hope nobody paid full price for this. Then again, the cover sums it up pretty well, so anybody who went ahead and bought it got what they deserved as far as I'm concerned.
I remember seeing a TV offer for Lord of the Dance while watching cartoons years ago, which also answers my earlier question: the tape cost $19.99. The year on the back is 1996, placing me at about eight years of age. Even then I asked the question, "Who the hell would want that?" If only I could see myself now...
Keep in mind, I walked around the store with the tape in my hand for a good half hour, which is quite the awkward experience, let me tell you. When I finally got to the checkout I quickly placed my terrible find on the counter. Seeing it lying there made me die a little on the inside. I tried to cover my ass with a little jest. "Sure to be an instant classic," I said to the cashier. "Yeah, I've... heard of it," she replies. She didn't sense my sarcasm. Damn.
Since I don't have a VCR, I can't stick it in for a few moments to get the full experience, and even if I did, I'm not sure I could go through with it. This sort of "movie" requires a few friends and a whole lot of drinking and drugs. Even then, the 90 minute duration might prove too much to bear. We'll see what happens.
Cost of Lord of the Dance VHS Tape: $1.44
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Is Lord of the Dance really the shitstorm I've made it out to be, or have I ignorantly offended an entire category of dancers? Let me know with comments!
Hate the dancer, not the dance form.
ReplyDeleteCeili (Irish) dancing is not as easy as it looks, BUT Riverdance was a bunch of bullshit. It featured some pompous asshole, cannot remember his name.
When I lived in Detroit I would frequent the Gaelic League, an Irish-only pub. (Ok, they weren't that exclusive, but you had to be a member to get in.) They offered Irish or Ceili dance lessons; I tried it (one session) and you need a strong core and legs, and it's not easy to leave your arms down like that. But the girls who were in the class would always talk smack about Riverdance and the douchebag lead dancer. The instructor had met him and according to her, he was the "biggest diva".
No intention to insult the form, only the ridiculousness of the tape. I know I would never be able to do it myself.
ReplyDeleteI really appreciate the background info! It's not every day that someone has a connection to the guy from Riverdance. Was his name Michael Flatley? Because that's who's in this movie, and he looks like a douche.
To return the comment, I have to say I found your blog idea amusing, to say the least. So far I've already had a hoot reading through your trash-to-treasure hunting-- who doesn't love a good Pez dispenser? Communists. (Though like you said, they might like W.W.)
ReplyDeleteAnd I did a pretty big LOL when I read that Lord of the Dance summary. I hope you find some way to watch it soon, because I'd love to read about the experience second-hand. xD
If you ever manage to watch it, I have some general info so that you don't go in biased.
ReplyDelete"Lord of the Dance" is in the genre called stage production, where the video release is cut from the recordings taken during the actual performance. For this production it was recorded completely during its last performance on July 2, 1996. Multiple camera angles were cut together to achieve a movie-like musical, but it's a stage production at heart.
The video price is high because of its short-running. It was an expensive show to attend in Dublin, and it only ran for five days. People that didn't go would have still wanted to see it, (it was THAT big of a deal for the Irish). This was Flatley's first production as a director. "Riverdance" is different from "Lord of the Dance" in this respect. Flatley's bad rap comes from his leaving of "Riverdance" due to his creative differences with the directors.
That said, remember it is the '90s. When "Lord of the Dance" came out I was eleven, and I loved it much more than "Riverdance", probably due to Flatley's creative influence over the show. I can completely understand how you can be mislead by the packaging synopsis because I'll agree, it doesn't do the production justice (even though that IS the plot line). The synopsis assumes you understand it is a musical performed through interpretive dance. It's hidden requirements are that you like tap-dancing, Irish heritage, and performance art. But that's minor. I first watched it completely ignorant of all these aspects, and now I respect all three.
Credit for the music of "Lord of the Dance" goes to an Irish man named Ronan Hardiman. It's the music that tells this story.
If you like performance art, you really should watch it. It's a cultural experience at a bare minimum. I'd be afraid to judge such a culturally enriched performance otherwise. And while I will agree that Flatley's appearance in his own production says a lot about his character, I'll point out that it was okay back in the Elizabethan era for Shakespeare to do that too. I find that there's nothing wrong with being pompous as long as its creatively-fueled.
I don't know whether to be disgusted that anyone would ever declare Lord of the Dance to be a marketable product, or that someone actually bought it and sold it to St. Vinnie's after owning it for quite some time. Good find! I think you over-paid though. They should have given you money to take that off their shelves.
ReplyDelete