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| Above: Distractions |
So while there's no way I'm emotionally capable of covering all the great merchandise I've picked up (best to ease back into this blog after abstaining for so long), I grabbed a few favorites to share with you, my biggest fan.
I tried to get a good mix so as not to cause my limited audience to check the site for an update on a whim, only to become immediately bored with what I'm throwing down. Cool, weird, dumb and silly may all be found within.
I'd like to start with some familiar territory.
ROKKON ACTION FIGURE ROCK GUY!
In a $2.50 grab bag with some wrestling guys and wooden blocks that appear to have been painted by mental patients were three figures hailing from the Masters of the Universe (MOTU) action figure line, aka He-Man, the most powerful man in the universe. Out of these three, the only one I didn't already own was Rokkon, the Stone Warrior.
Released in 1985, the line had already been going for a few years when Rokkon came out, and though I love the Masters, I can't help but admit they were grasping at straws when they created Rokkon, who was marketed to children based solely on his ability to turn into a rock.
Missing from my Rokkon is the gun accessory, which would plug into the hole in his chest and make him absolutely impenetrable while in "rock mode." Cool.
As for "rock mode," it gets even worse when you realize it looks less like a rock than it does Rokkon bending over, smelling his own farts.
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| You know it does. |
Halloween III: Season of the Witch, better known as "That stupid one without Michael Myers," is undoubtedly the most shat upon entry in the series. Considering Halloween: Resurrection featured Busta Rhymes beating the hell out of Michael Myers with a slew of WWE wrestling moves, that's an achievement.
If you don't know much about the Halloween series, you're a weenie, and you're probably wondering why a movie three parts into a series is missing its main attraction. *Spoilers* Basically, Halloween wasn't originally intended to be about Michael Myers, which is why he is pretty convincingly killed at the end of Halloween 2. The series was instead supposed to focus on the many terrors that can happen on Halloween. I think that was a cool idea, but people were so pissed at the lack of Michael Myers that to this day, nobody can even tell you what Halloween III is about. Any mention of it just raises complaint about his absence, and people start scratching their heads over why it was even made. The next film in the series was Halloween IV: The Return of Michael Myers, and he's been back ever since (He actually appears once in Halloween III, on a television screen).
Not that Halloween III is a good movie. It's pretty damn silly when it comes down to it. The movie is about how the Silver Shamrock Mask Company wants to kill all the little kiddies with masks implanted with computer chips containing a piece of Stonehenge. On every television throughout the film, you're basically bashed over the head with the Silver Shamrock commercials counting down the days to Halloween with this jingle: (Warning: Video may cause seizure)
And that's just the final version. When the movie starts, Halloween is still eight days away, which means EIGHT MORE DAYS TIL HALLOWEEN HALLOWEEN HALLOWEEN EIGHT MORE DAYS TIL HALLOWEEN SIL-VER SHAMROCK and so on and so forth. The reason Silver Shamrock is counting down is because on Halloween night, all the little kiddies are supposed to put on their Stonehenge-tainted maskies and watch the magic pumpkin on their television. Whatever the kids expect out of it, they would instead get their heads turned to poisonous bugs, spiders, snakes and other creeps. The nasty creatures would then kill anyone else in the vicinity, i.e. the parents. Since this is something of a witchy movie, being in the title and all, I guess the whole turning kids heads into bugs thing is supposed to be some kind of pagan sacrifice or something. Oh, and the Silver Shamrock company has androids working for it. Androids that look exactly like pee-pul.
But it's not terrible. And I'm really digging that pumpkin mask (they actually sold all the masks as a promo). Like many B-movies, there's at least some part of the movie that makes it watchable. For me, it's the part where a kid's head turns into bugs.
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| Thanks, slob. |
SHE-RA GOLDEN BOOK!
Straight out of 1985 comes this very pink hardcover book, She-Ra, the Princess of Power, also known as the kind of thing thrift store dreams are made of.
Male or Female, only fools don't get down with She-Ra, He-Man's twin sister. Separated at birth, He-Man protects Eternia from Skeletor, while She-Ra protects Etheria from the Evil Horde. When He-Man started getting stale in the mid-eighties, She-Ra was created with her own show and toy line (though the Horde was sold with the MOTU line), breathing new life into the franchise.
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| Bad ass interpretation by *nebezial on deviantART |
One picture looks like complete shit because the artist obviously didn't know how to draw two female bodies trapped in a net and piled on top of each other. Where did he learn to draw?
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| What the Hell is going on? |
"Adora picked up the Sword of Protection. She could not stop looking at the bright glow. She didn't see the rebels climb the wall. They captured her by surprise, and she dropped the sword."
Not so Golden, but I don't care. In fact, its badness just adds to the overall charm. Apparently this is the first book in a set of four, so you know I'm watching for the other three.
And now, for the grand-daddy of all thrift store finds in recent history, I give to you...
TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES: THE MAKING OF THE COMING OUT OF THEIR SHELLS TOUR VHS!
*heeeeeeep* That's right, I hold in my hands this ridiculous and moderately rare ($8-$30 eBay asking prices, few listings) VHS tape from 1990, sometimes known as "Behind the Shells." This is a full blown 30 minute
The thing that makes this movie ridonkulous is they treat the turtles like real people. Yeah, they really run with it. I can't give specifics without watching the damn thing again right now, but take my word for it. Now, that might have been okay had the turtles appearance been up to par with how they looked in the first movie.
.. but they look like shit. Their mouths rarely move, even during close-up interviews. And what's with that bondage gear? They look more ready for a leather dungeon than rock and roll. I'm not even going to get into the feet: two-towed, green and glorious in the original film, now just some cheap white sneaks. Obviously this was at the point when the turtle money tit had practically run dry, requiring squeezing to the point of bruises and swelling. Around this period was the only time in history that it would have been uncool to love TMNT.
The VHS features the turtles hit single "You Can Count On Us." Give this a listen and see if it's not in your head all day:
So if seeing a guy in a turtle suit try to pretend-bash on a drum with no discernible sense of rhythm is your cup of tea, you ought to see the turtles come out of their shells, on The Coming Out of Their Shells Tour.
Interesting side note: the whole tour was sponsored by Pizza Hut. Didn't know that? You would if you watched this tape. My favorite part is when some Pizza Hut bigwig is addressing a room full of kids about the success of his bullshit marketing campaign while the kids all wear the expression of "Derp... Where the turtles at?" Then the four clowns come out doing their cheap turtles impersonations to thunderous applause while the pizza exec sits back and no doubt thinks "I don't get it, but there's money here."
And for a real stinger, here's April O'Neil's bit:
I can't begin to imagine how much fun it was for the five- to ten-year-olds watching in the thousands to sit through that monstrosity. I mean, who paid to see April O'Neil?
The actual concert had its own VHS. If you have it, send it my way. In exchange, I'll tattoo your name inside the crack of my buttocks.
